Maybe This Is It

Start Again.

2011-05-19T12:10:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure if I have anyone who still checks this blog, but I think I am going to revamp it and start posting on a somewhat regular basis again. I'm not really sure how many regular readers I ever had, but hopefully there are still a few left with some interest. If not, oh well, because I'm doing it anyway.

A Year Spent Cold

2009-08-02T14:21:00.003-04:00

Well, it's been a while again. Not really sure that anyone notices..then again, I don't get much notice in life in general as it is, so no surprise there. I suppose I haven't written in a while because I don't have much to say. Anything I say will just come off as whiny and as I've said in the past I am pretty tired of doing that (though there is a good chance this entry will turn out that way).

These days I have just been working and dealing with the usual bad luck of my life. I've been suffering even more at work lately because when I spend all day at the bookstore my hands end up hurting like crazy from typing all day, so I'm probably well on the way to a nice case of carpal tunnel. Which will be pretty awesome since I don't have medical insurance and I really need the use of my fucking hands. The best part is I am putting myself through more pain and it's not even worth it.

I don't make enough money to screw up my body for my job. I need my hands for important stuff like guitar and writing. Two things which I have been neglecting due to my misery. I've spent too much time dwelling on how unhappy I am with my current situation and I know it won't get any better unless I do something...but I just feel lost. I don't know what to do, where to go, how to get there, and what to do when I get there. I'm horrible at initiating change.

A lot of it has to do with the fact that most changes I have experienced were bad, so I stick to a routine...because even if I hate it I KNOW it like the back of my hand and there are no surprises. But damn it, that's not even true..because bullshit keeps popping up. Now I need to spend money I don't have to fix my car, I had to help out my family with bills...I'm just being dragged down. I just don't feel like there is anything to look forward to. I'm too alone. I don't really have anyone I can talk to.

I know you can't expect others to make you happy in life...but is it so wrong to ask for someone who wants to be there for me? Who cares where I am, what I'm doing, how I'm doing, etc.? Someone who looks forward to talking to me and wants to be close to me. All I really want is someone I can talk to and hold their hand. Something simple and real. It just seems like everyone except me has something or someone they want to dedicate themselves to.

I know what I'll get for saying that: "stop comparing yourself to others," well I'm not. I'm just thinking "why not me?" I'm getting older and instead of feeling more secure I'm just feeling more lost than I ever have. I want to be able to make music or finish a story and maybe have it published (too bad I can never complete an idea). I want to be able to help my mom be more financially stable.

I am not this misery, I'm a lot more than how I feel about my life. Take the time to notice.

So sick of staring down.

2009-07-15T23:06:00.003-04:00

So I don't even want to waste any words on you, but it's sickening to see who you've become. You have no self respect anymore (not that you ever had much to start with..) and I want nothing to do with you. I have no desire to talk or argue, I'm just long over it. You've punished yourself more than anyone ever could and one day when you wake up you'll know just how pathetic that life is.

Anyway, I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but it seems like when I get home from work all I do is waste time. I sit around and think about what to do instead of actually doing anything. I'm tired of people, the way they act, the dumb decisions they make, and how they treat me like I am disposable. I'm worth a lot more than that and I guess if you're someone who can't recognize that you don't deserve to have me around anyway. I say that and yet I am still the one who ends up alone and feeling like shit. Oh well.

Saturday I went over to the Music Square to hang out and briefly took part in an impromptu jam session. It wasn't much and I myself played bass upside down(it was a righty) and badly for only a few minutes. It was still fun though, and it reminded me how much I love hearing music come together...I can't describe the good feeling it gives me. I really need to play more and practice more. I only wish I had reliable people to play with because that would definitely motivate me a lot more.

I'm tired of living a life where I don't do or get anything I want. I mean, what the hell is the point of that? I'm sick of wanting. I need to have more and I deserve to have more.

If it means a lot...

2009-07-10T08:56:00.003-04:00

So it seems like it's been ages since I have written anything. I've wanted to, but for all my thoughts I just couldn't find the words to write. Honestly, I'm not sure I have the right words now.

Surprisingly I finally motivated to apply for a new job and I have to admit, I am pretty scared. I'm afraid of change...but I'm afraid of staying the same. I'm very conflicted. I think it's just anxiety and the fear of something new after doing the same thing day in and day out for so long. I hope that if it works out I can muster up the guts to actually go through with it and make a positive change for myself. I really need it. I don't know how much longer I can carry on in the situation I am in.

I feel like life is wasting away and I don't want that to happen. If I have to be here on this Earth I want my stay to at least be somewhat enjoyable. I want to be able to move forward and prove to myself that I am not as worthless as I feel, because deep down I know I am not. I know I am capable of better things, I just need to figure out how to accomplish them.

I really want to work harder on writing and music, but it seems like every time I try I am plagued by mental block. Or I will come up with lyrics I am really proud of and can't seem to produce the melody I want backing them. It's frustrating, because compared to a lot of the garbage that's on the radio, I know my words could get me somewhere. I don't just want to create something for an easy meal ticket, I just want to be able to do something beyond ordinary jobs.

I want my words to have an impact, maybe to help someone through a hard time in their life. I think that would be an incredible thing, because I know how much certain songs mean to me. Sometimes you can relate so well that you feel as though it was written just for you. I'd love for someone to tell me they feel that way about my writing. It's funny, as much as I loathe people as a whole I am such a caring person.

Well, I guess I should stop writing and go to work. Joy. Did I mention I think I am developing carpal tunnel? Yeah, it hurts pretty bad.

Lame.

2009-06-19T09:15:00.002-04:00

If you don't believe in bad luck, just try living my life. You'll be a believer in no time.

Over.

2009-06-13T00:21:00.003-04:00

A deep sadness wells up inside of me. I reach out for someone, but there's no one there. I'm alone in this. Alone in my thoughts and my feelings. Even if I could explain it there is no one around to care. I search for a meaning, but life doesn't want to give me an answer that makes sense.

Part of me wants to fight...but I'm running out of reasons to keep going. I've spent one too many days staring at the ceiling dreaming, only to never have them come true. This sickness eats away at me like a vulture to a rotting corpse. I'm at the end of my rope. I've even lost the ability to take comfort in the things I used to love.

I feel old and used. There's only one way now...and yet I know that's wrong too. It's all wrong. What's right is a thing of the past. Justice is no more. So I pull the trigger. This is the end.

Pathetic.

2009-06-11T19:15:00.002-04:00

So it's about 7:15 and I'm already dressed for bed. What the hell is wrong with me? I don't want to "go out" and do the things that typical young people do, but this is just pathetic. The past two days have been hell at work, nothing but physical labor and what for? It's just not worth it. Part of me likes the exercise, but I'm really sick of being taken advantage of. I guess that's nothing new though.

It's like the peanuts once said "half the people in this world are the kind who take advantage of the other half" or something to that effect. I'll be doing it every Wednesday and Thursday from now on though, so no escaping that unless I find something new. I shouldn't be this bored...this alone. It's just not fair.

There are a few things that I actually want to work on in my free time, but with all the thinking I do, I just end up too distracted and waste all my time thinking about how much I dislike the situation I am in. So basically the only things I do anymore are things I don't want to do in the first place. That's really not much of a life...and there's so much more to me than this feeling.

Consequences.

2009-06-03T21:07:00.004-04:00

Far too often people forget to think of the big picture and how one small decision can change your life forever. They do what they feel is right in the here and now instead of planning for what's ahead. I always think about the future, the consequences of decisions, and how they will affect me later on. Once you do something, it's done. You can't undo the past no matter how much you wish you could. Regrets don't wash away.

Think about things carefully before you make what could be a huge mistake, even if you don't know it now. While I may have what it takes to resist the so-called "temptations" most people fail to (I say so-called because they're not tempting to me at all), I'm guilty of wondering "what if," and that's what gets me.

I find myself living in daydreams and playing out whole other realities of the way it could be if things would just go my way. They say you have to make things happen if you want them, but what about the things you can't control? There are some things that aren't within your power to make happen, no matter how bad you want them. I could wish on every star until the last one falls from the sky, but I might never really get what I need. I wonder if I'll always be waiting for what may never come.

Smaller, colder, older.

2009-05-31T22:10:00.003-04:00

My world keeps getting smaller. Smaller and colder. The more time that goes by it just keeps getting worse. It was really awesome outside today and I didn't even do anything to take advantage of it. I really should have gone outside and taken some photos..I haven't done that in ages, but I really just didn't have it in me to go out by myself. I need to dig myself out of this, but every time I do something it always feels like one step forward and seventy-five steps back.

but I'll always stay.

2009-05-28T22:20:00.003-04:00

I'm a street cone on the highway of life.
You pass me by and never look back.

Still a lonely boy inside my head.

2009-05-25T21:43:00.003-04:00

There's so much I want to say, so much that I think about over the course of a day, but it feels like I am running low on words. Lately it seems like all I ever do on here is complain and I'm just tired of it. I'm sure anyone who actually bothers reading this is sick of it too. I know it's a huge turn off to listen to someone talk about their unhappiness, so I try not to talk about it with anyone too often. Maybe that's why I save it up for this site.

I don't know, usually anyone I talk to doesn't really seem to understand, and how could they? It's not their life so it's easy to spout out nonsensical solutions to problems they've never had to deal with. Besides, I usually don't need advice...I always know what I need to do, it's just putting things into motion which is the hard part. I can sit here and go into another self-analysis about how I'm not good with change and initiating it, but that's a tired subject as well.

I'm feeling more alone than ever these days and I don't think anyone really notices. Or maybe they do and they just don't care. It seems like I can't find anyone who wants to be close to me. Just someone to talk about anything and everything with, whether it's deep conversation or just joking around. Every time I feel like I am forming a relationship like that it starts to fade away, usually without good reason. I just don't understand where I go wrong. To hell with that though, I KNOW it's not my fault. I'm always there for people I care about.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am the furthest thing there is from cocky, but I have a lot to offer. Maybe not in the financial sense, but I'm very caring, loyal, honest, and for the most part fun to be with. People make me sick, they all say they want something good and then when it's right in front of them they just pass it by. I know I'm worth it, now someone else needs to realize it.

The world feels so disappointing...I just want to lock myself away from everything and write or work on music. That's another problem I've been having, I try to put my mind to accomplishing things I want to do in my "free" time and I either end up thinking about something stupid, falling asleep 'cause I'm tired, or just suffering from mental block. I mean fuck, can't I just enjoy anything anymore?

In your world I have no meaning.

2009-05-23T09:12:00.003-04:00

I'm tired of bullshit. I can do all the positive thinking in the world, but nothing seems to improve. There are moments when it seems like things might turn around, but that doesn't last long and it goes right back to stupidity. I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this for. I was never a big fan of work, but lately it is getting to the point where I literally have to struggle to make it through the week.

It's just not fair to have to feel that way or live like that. I want better and I deserve better, but I guess it's my own fault for not making it happen or something. I don't know, if I could magically get paid for doing things I enjoy I would have done that by now. I'm starting to feel very old, and even though I know there is still plenty of time left, I also feel like it's running out an alarming rate.

Last night I just sat here thinking, and I found myself wondering (as I often do) why it seems like I am so easy to give up. It seems like people come along and I get to know them, get to like them, and then they just fade out as though I am nothing. I can't seem to keep anyone around. I know it's not my fault because I don't do anything....but after a while you start to wonder what's wrong with you.

I'm a good friend, I'm honest and I'm loyal..and pretty damn nice. I might not do the things that are stereotypically "fun," but I'm not boring by any means. I can be pretty entertaining. It's also funny because they compliment the fuck out of you and make you feel good about yourself and then disappear. You just end up thinking "well if I am so great, what the hell happened?" I wish I knew what was wrong with everyone. Is there anyone out there who really wants someone decent in their life?

Waste.

2009-05-19T21:27:00.003-04:00

I don't really understand my life. In fact, I'm kind of at a loss of words on what to write. I don't even know why I'm bothering to make an entry. I guess it's just a lack of anything better to do. All I want to know is why things have to work out the way they do. Is there a purpose for all the bullshit, or is it just to torture me? Because it certainly feels like the latter.

I don't think I ask for too much out of this world, so why is it so hard to get? I don't think it's too much to ask for to have someone care and just to have a decent life where I can do something with my life that doesn't make me want to kill myself at the end of the week. If I can't have the life I really want, I honestly don't see the point of having one at all. I'm sure that most people will read this and think I need serious help or something, but who cares?

Maybe I think too much, but I'm not the type of person to just "go with the flow" when it's not taking me to where I want to be. I'm just tired and I don't think it's fair that I have to feel this way. I just want to enjoy my life, but it seems like life goes out of it's way to prevent me from doing so.

Something More to Feel.

2009-05-17T20:55:00.003-04:00

I really hate the last hours of the weekend. I always end up just sitting around and dreading the start of the new week. The problem is that it's the same week over and over with nothing to look forward to, except two-day intervals before I get to do the whole damn thing over again.

I just need something more to look forward to. Something to make me feel like I am headed toward something other than more of the same garbage that I don't even want to do in the first place. There was something I was looking forward to...but I'm not sure if that's going to happen the way I thought it would.

*Cue everyone telling me "I don't want it" or some other lame excuse for things I can't control not going the way they should* Yeah, that's another thing I am sick of. Apparently there is some life secret I missed out on where if you just want something bad enough it will magically happen for you.

No? It hasn't worked for you? Oh, well you're probably just not doing it right. I mean, if that's all I needed to do in life to get the things I really wanted, I think I would have had it all a long time ago. And I'm unrealistic? What a bunch of hypocritical rubbish.

Admiration Proclamation.

2009-05-12T21:09:00.004-04:00

Have you ever really admired someone? I mean, really admired them. Everything they do down to the littlest thing. You wish she could see inside your mind so she could know just how wonderful you think she is. All you want to do is talk to her, be in her company, listen to her voice, and hold her hand. You think she's beautiful, but you don't think about "scoring", it doesn't even come to mind, the only thing that matters is having the privilege of being in the company of someone so awesome.

She's your first thought when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you're thinking of before you fall asleep. She's changed your life just by being in it and even if you never ever get the chance to be with her, you know that you'll always think the world of her. Any girl you meet afterward, she will be the basis for comparison. If you don't get the chance to find out what it's like to be with her, you'll probably spend the rest of your life wondering. Fate is funny sometimes.

"They don't make them like you anymore."

Rules of living.

2009-05-07T17:17:00.004-04:00

Dream. Dream a lot. Dream of the plausible, dream of the impossible. Dream of life in other galaxies and what it would be like if you could see all that the universe has to offer. Dream about living out whole other lifetimes and how it would be if things went exactly your way. How it could be if you had your ideal job, love, or a million dollars. Dream what makes you happy, just don't forget to try your hardest to make those thoughts your reality.

Forgive. Life is too short to let yourself be brought down by the mistakes of others, don't let it control your life. In the end they'll get what's coming to them. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. Tell these people (whether to their face or simply in your heart and mind) that you forgive them for the pain they've caused you and move along. Holding onto the hurt doesn't get you anywhere, living well is the best "revenge".

Laugh, laugh as much as you can. Laugh with your family, friends, and loved ones. Laugh all by yourself when you think of that funny conversation you had yesterday. Who cares if people think you're crazy, keep them guessing. Make others laugh, bringing happiness creates personal happiness.

Love. Love with everything you've got. If someone is special to you, let them know just how much and as often as possible. Hug them, hold them, share your deepest thoughts and feelings. Do everything together, do nothing together. Look up at the stars, take a walk in the park, hold hands. Just enjoy the company of those you care for. Real love is a rare and wonderful thing, if you have true love, do everything you can to hold onto it, because it may never come around again. In the end, it's all we really have in this world.

Respect. Respect each other. Respect all living things, big and small. Don't step on bugs just because they're in your way, they are just as worthy of life as you and I, maybe even more-so.

Little things. Appreciate the little things in life and do little things for those you care about. The way it feels to get into the warm car on a chilly morning. A hot shower after a day of hard work. Laying in the grass and looking at the clouds. The way the leaves crunch under your feet on a cool Autumn day. Playing in the leaves. Looking at the stars on a summer evening. Playing classic video games. Hearing a song you love on the radio. The sound of the rain on the roof. Do the dishes for your mom or significant other. Give flowers. Leave notes. Hold the door. Hugs.

Anger. We've all been there (me probably a lot more often than most), but don't let it build up...release it in healthy ways. Work out, go for a run, hit a punching bag, rip a magazine, scream at the top of your lungs in the middle of the woods or into a pillow.

Cry. Cry tears of sadness, cry tears of joy. If you feel it, let it out. Whether you're alone in your room or with a friend or family member.

Be true. Stay true to yourself, don't let anyone down your beliefs. Don't do things just to fit in with your "friends" or society. If someone really cares about you, they will love you for who you are, not what you do or don't do. Sometimes you're going to feel alone, like you're the only one who feels the way you do, but trust me, you're not. If you alter yourself to fit in with people, you'll never know who you really are, and a life without an identity of your own is not one that's worth living. After all, if you're not yourself, then who are you?

Remember. Remember the good times in your life. They'll always be there for you when you need something comforting. They're your memories, replay them as often as you like.

Hope. When things are at their worst, sometimes the hope for something better is all you have. Try not to lose it, even when it doesn't feel like it can get any worse.

Believe. Believe in something. Whether it's God, fate, the tooth fairy, Nu, or some other force that brought this all into being. What fun is it in thinking everything in life and the universe is one big accident? And even though at times it's difficult, believe in yourself...because sometimes all it takes is one person to make big changes.

Life is a mystery and why things happen the way they do...we might never understand. Millions of people have lived and died on this planet. They've created inventions, thought up wondrous ideas, cures for diseases, and so much more. It's a bit overwhelming when in the grand scheme of things you realize your life may not matter one bit, but I think if you can just have an impact on at least one other person in your life, then you've done something worthwhile. Of course, these are just the thoughts of one meaningless speck. I leave you with that.

The Way it Should Be.

2009-05-04T20:07:00.005-04:00

I wonder why it has to be so difficult for me. What's the purpose of it all? It feels like all this time I spend thinking and being unhappy with the way my life is going is time wasted that I will never have back. I don't want to reach a point where I look back on my life and realize that I could have done so much more. Sometimes I find myself doing that a lot already. If I only have one life I want it to be one I can enjoy while I am here. Otherwise I really don't see the point in being alive at all. Why bother with living if you can't feel truly alive while doing it?

I don't know, I just feel so useless. There are things I want to do, but realistically I don't feel like I can achieve them. I want to do more writing, not only on this site, but I want to finish my game storyline idea as well. I want to sit around and make more music, but it seems like every time I am left with free time I spend it either taking a nap or thinking about how much I can't stand the situation I am in. My obstacles are taking up all my time and taking away what little enjoyment I get out of the things I actually care about, and it's just not right.

I know I don't want to be in this stupid area anymore, but at the same time I don't really know how to get out. I could use just a little help, a head start of some sort, if you will. Now I know in life you have to depend on yourself, but is it too much to ask for someone to count on? I've never been one to have a lot of friends, but I feel like I've lost pretty much all the friends I had and I don't even know why. I'm a good friend, I know I haven't done anything wrong to anyone.

I always feel like a spectator, I watch everyone else move along while I just stay in the same place. I want to know when it's my turn, I want it to be my time to shine, my time to feel truly happy to be alive. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a total depression case. I have appreciation for various little things in life that bring me droplets of happiness...but there are times like these when I think and think and realize that I am not where I really want to be.

Apparently I'm not supposed to express that though because then I am just being a "downer." I mean, God forbid you're able to put aside all the superficial bullshit of life; celebrity gossip, the latest reality show, what happened between Johnny and Jill at the movie theater last night, etc. and talk about deep things that matter like real feelings. I'm convinced that people either A. don't have deep feelings or B. try to ignore them the best they can because that keeps them in their little cloud of happiness.

Whatever, I'm not about to pretend things don't exist just so I can be happy, to me that's not really happiness. It's ignorance...but I guess like they say, it truly must be bliss. It seems as though the way it should be and the way it is are always two very different things. I should be enjoying my life and spending time doing the things I want to do and being with the people I care about, but instead I am trapped here in my own personal hell. I really need a change and I need it soon, or else I don't know what I'm going to do.

"I've been worrying so long now with nothing to show"

More of the same.

2009-04-21T20:59:00.006-04:00

I really need to get out of here. This place just brings me down and I'm sick of the daily routine of my life. My job isn't all that terrible, but at the same time it's torture. I've been there for too long and it's just never going to go anywhere. There's no room for something more, it is what it is. I guess I am to blame because I don't just go out and get another job, but what choices do I have? Fucking wal-mart? Or one of its many clones? Cause that's basically all the "opportunity" there is here.

Sure it would be a change, but it would just be trading one shitty job for another. I need a new start, all I ever do is daydream about not being around here anymore and living a totally different life. As hard as it may be for people in this area to comprehend, there is far more to life and the world than upstate New York and all of it's douchebaggery. Sure, there are shitty people all over the world, but let's put it this way: if New York was a piece of shit (c'mon, it's not that much of a stretch) then upstate New York would be like...the piece of corn in said piece of shit.

Aside from Rodney there is pretty much no one here that I can relate to or talk to without getting annoyed somehow, and shortly he'll be leaving so life here is about to get a whole lot more fun. Most days on the way to work I find myself thinking that I should just keep driving and not stop until I am far far away. It's just not that easy though....or is it? I really don't know anymore. I just know that I want a change and I want it to be a change that I control and am happy with.

Speaking of happiness, there is someone (you know who you are) I would like to thank for bringing some excitement into my life and being there for me. You've come to mean a lot to me in a short time and talking to you just makes me happy and I really can't wait to see you and find out what the future holds. =) It's really the one thing I look forward to.

Now, for something completely unrelated. What the fuck is up with this twitter garbage? I mean, do we really need to know every time Johnny-no-name wipes his ass? I don't know about you, but I couldn't give two shits and a fuck what these people do with themselves. Seriously, are you people so pretentious as to assume that someone out there actually cares what you are doing every 10 seconds of your life? And if you're so damn busy, then shouldn't you be too caught up in your awesome activities to update your status all day?

Now to top it off it seems bands are joining the bandwagon and signing up for twitter accounts. Great, just what every 15-year-old fan girl needs, a new way to stalk their favorite "hottie" from some band whose music makes you want to impale yourself on a wooden spoon. "Social-networking" as they call it, is getting out of control.

As if myspace wasn't bad enough to start with now everyone and their mother has facebook, twitter, myspace, and whatever other lame websites to over-glorify your poor excuse for a life is out there. If you've been to one of these sites you've been to them all and I really don't understand the need to sign up for each and every one of them.

It also really pisses me off that I can't sign up for one website without it being a myspace clone in some way. For example, having friends on youtube...what is more worthless than youtube friends? I think youtube friends might be slightly less useful than a musical toaster. It's bad enough that they allow these morons to post videos and leave comments, but now I have to deal with friend requests too?

Then there is imeem, which is actually a pretty damn good site for listening to music and finding music related to what you like. But of course they have to ruin it by having a feature for friends, a detailed profile, photos, etc. I just don't get it, if I wanted to go to myspace I'd log on to fucking myspace. Not every website on the planet has to follow in suit. Just stop it. Stop the bitchery and realize how retarded the whole thing is.

Always too far away..

2009-04-07T20:50:00.004-04:00

Sometimes my life is ridiculously ironic. The things I want most always seem too far away to obtain. It's like the universe is trying to show me that I just don't belong here. I really don't have anything good or worthwhile here, and what little I do have is slowly but surely leaving.

I'm tired of missing out on things simply because I live in shitville, New York. Then again, I've never had much luck, and maybe no matter where I go I am doomed to feeling like this. I know I shouldn't say that, but it seems like when I finally do come across something worthwhile, there is some type of huge obstacle in the way keeping me from it.

I guess I'm doing a terrible job at keeping up with updating again, I've just had a lot on my mind. Funny, because you'd think that having a lot on your mind would make for a lot more writing, but no. My mind is on overload and I have so many thoughts that I can't seem to find the proper words to organize them into something legible. I guess that's all I have for now....all I'm going to say is that I don't ask for much out of life, I just really want this to work.

"A little far for me to reach.."

That's deep, yo.

2009-03-21T14:45:00.004-04:00

Every morning I wake up, and even if the sun is shining through the window, still I feel the darkness well up inside. I want to enjoy the sun, the promise of a new day, the hope of a bright future and all the wonderful possibilities that life can bring. Instead I find myself weighed down by this world. A place where it seems good deeds go unanswered, morals make you "sheltered" or "uptight", and being just another face in the crowd is the way to being "liked". Where most people are forced to go through things which they don't deserve, while those who cause all of the problems continue on "happy" and care-free. There's something wrong with that picture.

The repetitive routine of daily life and the longing for something more drain the life from me and make me feel as though I am walking uphill with a boulder chained to my ankles. Old at such a young age, who would've thought? Living for the weekend has become a way of life. Days of rest and relaxation which should be spent doing the things you love, are now just days to dread the week which follows. It's all over in the blink of an eye and the path to nowhere begins again. Well, I've had enough. I'd like to draw my line in the sand, and if the proverbial army of routine dares cross it, I will lay it to waste. Of course, that seems like nothing but an unrealistic fantasy.

In all honesty, if the routine I followed was something I actually wanted, I think I would be perfectly okay with more of the same. I'm not what you would call a big fan of change, in fact, I detest it. You know what they say the only constant in life is? That's right, you guessed it: change. So how do I deal with this? How do I go through this life knowing that slowly but surely nothing remains the same? Everything comes to an end, nothing lasts forever, etc. etc. I've heard and experienced that enough times, that's for sure. Why do we say forever when we know it won't last? When did "always" become temporary? Why do we say "never" and make promises we can't keep? Sometimes, I feel like I am the only one who can stay true to my word. If I knew I didn't mean something, I simply wouldn't say it.

Good things seem to be over much faster than they begin. When you experience the most wonderful times of your life, it's as though someone hits fast forward and before you know it you're at the end. I want to hit pause, I want to freeze time, I want to make it last. I don't want it to feel like one big mistake when it's all over. Nobody seems to think like this, they all just do what they think is good for them in the moment and come to realize when it's far too late. It's thoughts like these that make me want to wake up and have every moment of my life up until now just be an insanely long nightmare. Even if I could do that and know everything I know now, I'm not really sure I would do it that much differently.

I sometimes feel as though maybe all my good moments have passed me by (and to be honest, I can't say I've had that many) and the rest of my days are just going to be spent on false hope and empty wishes. Do we have a predetermined amount of good moments in our lives? Living through fantasy because reality is just too hard to bear. I'd like to think I am stronger than that, but I just don't know. Sometimes I play out whole other life in my mind, what if so and so didn't happen, etc.?

It depresses me, because my imagination creates a far better reality than the world in front of me has provided. I want to change the world, I want to change people, I want to make them understand that life doesn't have to be the way it is just because "that's life!" There are so many things I want to do, I just don't feel I have the necessary means to follow through on them. As my rambling comes to a close, I can only hope that this makes a difference to someone.

You say I care too much, I say you just don't care enough...

Diverge.

2009-03-16T19:37:00.004-04:00

I purchased this single when it came out last year, but I came across the translation for the lyrics and I remembered how much I really enjoy this song. Mihimaru GT is Miyake (composer, lyricist, and vocalist) and Hiroko (lyricist and vocalist), the group's name comes from taking the first two letters in each members' first name and adding "maru", or "perfection", to the end of it, as well as the initials for Miyake's favorite video game - Gran Turismo.

They usually lean towards an upbeat hip-hop/pop sound, but sometimes venture into the rock genre. "Diverge" however, is a nice ballad. It's a break up song about two lovers splitting up, aka "diverging" from each other. The song opens with Hiroko's soothing vocals backed by keys. About 35 seconds in the pace picks up just a little bit and a mini orchestra kicks in. I really like how the song mixes keys, guitar, orchestral instruments, a turn table, and even some rap during the bridge by Miyake.

Just from listening to the song without the translated lyrics you can tell it's a sad/emotional song. I think they did a great job of capturing emotion with sound alone. However, the lyrics are wonderful (though a little depressing) as well:

You’re the one I can’t forget
No matter how far apart we are
My voice cries out and I know we’ll meet again

It seems so far
Even though we could have walked this road long ago
Starting from the streets I don’t recognize anymore

The wind gently asks for an answer as it blows
Yes, forever

I can’t forget you
That time which was brittle as glass
Still resides within my heart
And will not disappear

It’s so lonely
Even though I thought the gentle smile
In my photo album would last forever

Why am I not able to chase after you?
Yes, forever

I can’t forget you even as time rushes by
We’ll exchange our love and even as I tremble, I can walk on

Now on this endless journey
In which I’ve destroyed everything
I embrace a tiny bit of happiness
To get me through today

Even now a joyous face is branded on
Yet your body still fades away
That frame, that phrase
You hurt me and chose a different rail
Why do people’s feeling change?
Is this the bottom of Naraka¹ for those with deep desires?
I apologize and gives thanks
To my beloved days and to you

No matter how it turns out

You’re the one I can’t forget
No matter how far apart we are
My voice cries out and I know we’ll meet again

I realize that all things that take shape
Must come to an end someday
Yet still the world keeps on turning

I can’t forget you even as time rushes by
We’ll exchange our love and even as I tremble, I can walk on
(Yes, forever)

You’re the one I can’t forget
Even if this world withers away to nothing
I don’t regret standing here now

^{1 - Naraka is a Buddhist world of great suffering, similar to hell or purgatory}

translation courtesy of http://www.quartet4.net/

You can listen to the song and check out the music video below:

Mihimaru GT - Diverge Official music video.

Enjoy.

One Year.

2009-03-11T17:45:00.003-04:00

Today is the one-year anniversary of Maybe This Is It. Well, it would have been 4 years if I had kept my first account going, but I suppose I should cut my losses and be happy that I have been more dedicated this time around. Sure, I don't write as often as I would like to, but I'm trying.

Anyway, I didn't really have a specific topic planned, I tried to think of something, but my creative thoughts failed me. As I write this I am listening to J-pop act ZARD, and she happens to be one of my favorite artists, so I'll introduce you. ZARD was made up of 5 members, however, the only member who was constant was vocalist Izumi Sakai, so for the most part, she is/was ZARD. She debuted back in 1991 with the single "Goodbye My Loneliness", which happens to be an excellent song, the rhythm is very reminiscent of "Every Breath You Take" by The Police.

Some of my other favorite singles are 1995's "My Friend" which was used as an ending theme for the Slam Dunk anime, and 1997's "Don't You See!" which if you read my Dragon Ball post, you know was used as the 2nd ending theme for Dragon Ball GT. One of the things I find amazing about her is that she played her first concert in 1999, 8 years after releasing numerous hit singles and rarely made t.v. appearances. Her first real tour was in 2004. To me it's mind-blowing that an artist could become as popular as she did without playing a concert for that long.

ZARD was not just a studio group though, they had incredible talent live and Miss Sakai's voice sounds just as good live as it does in her recordings, something many artists just cannot accomplish. She wrote also wrote many songs for other Japanese artists and bands such as Field of View, DEEN, and WANDS. She earned her popularity through her music alone and didn't use her looks (though she was an attractive woman) to boost her success, which I find very admirable. (and something many other female artists fail at.)

Unfortunately, she passed away on May 27, 2007 at the age of 40, but she left behind a wonderful catalog of music that will live on forever. ZARD was one of the first Japanese artists I listened to and I'll always remember how awesome the first time I heard her music was. I hope you will give her a chance and enjoy the sound of her unique, soothing voice. I've compiled a huge playlist of 73 of her songs for you to do just that below:

Some noteworthy tracks are: Ready, Go!, Goodbye My Loneliness, Don't You See!, Ihoujin (featuring Tak Matsumoto of B'z fame), Today is Another Day, Kyowa Yukkuri Hanasou, Sayonara Wa Imamo Kono Mune Ni Imasu, kanashii hodo anata ga suki, Darekaga Matuteru, Forever, Boy, Kononamida Hoshininare, I'm in Love, Listen to me...whoa, got carried away there, but they are all great for their own reasons.

Well that's all I have for now, but hopefully there will be many more years of Maybe This Is It to come, so stay tuned.

Final Fantasy IV: The After

2009-03-04T19:30:00.009-05:00

Final Fantasy IV: The After, or "The After Years" as it's going to be called in the U.S. (What is this, one of those VH1 where are they now specials?) is a sequel to the SNES classic, Final Fantasy IV. In Japan, "The After" was released for cellphones, so for a while a U.S. release seemed like a dream, until now. Apparently it's going to see the light of day on the Wii (it's funny, I called it when I said if it ever did get released over here it would be on a platform I had no interest in purchasing.), I think a DS release would make a lot more sense given the GBA re-releases and the new version of FF4 for DS.

I suppose it's possible that they'll release it across the board and have Xbox Live and PSN versions, but I have yet to be able to purchase a PS3. Anyway, "The After" takes place 17 years after the events of FFIV and revolves around Cecil and Rosa's son Ceodore. It looks like all the old cast is present with plenty of new faces to make things interesting. They've added a system for "double techs" of sorts, called the "band" system and it looks as though the graphics were made to look more Final Fantasy VI-style. Final Fantasy IV (or II as I knew it back then) was a big part of my childhood and it's really awesome to see one of my favorite stories continued, even after all this time. I really like that it was made in the old 16-bit style, that just adds to the nostalgia factor.

I read a little bit more than I should have on the Final Fantasy wiki about the story, but I just couldn't help myself. From what I saw, it seems like they managed to capture the spirit and themes of the original story. Everything about FFIV was perfect: the characters, the story, dark knights, the music...just too good. So I have very high hopes for this and I really hope square wises up and decides to release this on more than one platform. You can check out the Japanese site for artwork and some screenshots, and story/character info if you can read Japanese (if not the wiki link I provided earlier is for you.)

You think you know GT?

2009-02-25T18:46:00.009-05:00

I picked up season 2 of Dragon Ball GT the other day, so now that I have the whole series I can talk about some of the differences on this release. If you don't already know the "season sets" from Funimation started with the release of the Dragon Ball Z series, which I don't think they are through putting out yet. Anyway, the Z sets, affectionately dubbed the "orange bricks" by some fans, are in widescreen format. Why? "For a more cinematic experience" of course. This topic has been talked to death though so I'm going to move away from it as quickly as possible, but with the Z sets, you lose about 15-20% of the top and bottom of the original picture. Which is the reason why I only bothered to get seasons 1, 2, & 3 of Z. (They were the only episodes I didn't have in uncut format.)

However, in the great tradition of Funimation's confusing business tactics, GT is left in it's original full screen format. Which is definitely a plus, I think they made a smart move there. I just wish they would have treated Z the same way, it makes absolutely no sense to crop one series and not the other. The packaging for the GT sets is an ugly neon green color which you can see here. The character art they chose is simple, but still looks pretty cool. If you click here and here you can see what the packaging looks like all opened up. As you can see each set comes with a little booklet, it just has an episode listings/descriptions and character profiles. Although, I wouldn't pay the profiles much mind as they are written from dub perspective.

You get 34 episodes on season 1 across 5 discs, and season 2 contains 30 episodes, also across 5 discs, plus the GT t.v.. special. I don't know much about picture quality when it comes to DVDs and tvs, but the picture looks pretty damn good to me and there are no noticeable flaws. I'm pretty sure they didn't do any redubbing in the English version, but GT's dub was the closest to the original script funimation ever managed to stay.

There are still some parts where they added in irrelevant stupidity and talking where there was silence in the original, but on a much lesser scale than they did with DBZ. The option for English voices with Japanese audio is also present on these sets, which if you've heard the dub music, you know how much of a godsend such a feature is. Of course, you could just watch the Japanese version and avoid any problems, but the dub with the original music actually isn't halfbad.

While I've never completely warmed up to most of the dub's cast since Funimation took over for Ocean, I do still have somewhat of an attachment to it just because it's what I grew up watching before I could see the original. Although, I did used to watch Z and GT on the international channel back in the day. There is also the option to have the English voices and Funimation's dub music, I'm not sure if they still have that stupid rap theme because I don't watch it with that audio track. Which leads me into the best thing Funimation has ever done with the Dragon Ball series: dubbed versions of the original Japanese opening and endings. Why couldn't they do this right from the beginning? Why?

When I first heard about the opportunity to hear some of my favorite songs in new English versions I was excited. Now that I have heard them...I enjoy them, but I still prefer the original songs. DAN DAN has the best vocals and lyrics, but they didn't use the original instrumental for the song and came up with their own variation. It sounds good, but it's missing some of the charm of Field of View's version. Check out the English version of DAN DAN here. I definitely like the fact that they stayed close to the original meaning of the song, but the Japanese song is the winner.

Ending #1 for GT is Hitorijanai, originally by DEEN. Funimation's version is pretty good lyrical translation and instrumental-wise, but they chose a woman to sing the song when clearly the original singer is male. I dunno, whoever she is she's not a bad singer by any means, but her voice just doesn't fit the song at all. Ending theme # 2 is ZARD's (R.I.P. Izumi Sakai) song "Don't You See!" The instrumentation is good and very close to the original, but once again, the vocals (pretty sure it's the same girl who did Hitorijanai) kind of ruined it for me. Miss Sakai's sweet soothing vocals were one of the best parts the original version of this song, and they were completely lost in this translation. Also, while the lyrics are for the most part are accurate, they were poorly delivered. Check out the Japanese version of Don't You See here.

Next up, we have ending # 3, Blue Velvet, originally by Kudo Shizuka. This is probably the worst of the dubbed themes, the drums are too low, the vocals are obnoxiously executed, and the lyrics stray too far away from the original. See the English version here and the original here. Last but not least, we have ending # 4, "Sabitsuita Machine Gun De Ima Wo Uchinuko" originally by the awesome J-rock group, WANDS. This is probably the 2nd best of the dubbed songs, the vocals, while not up to WANDS' are pretty close, the instrumental sounds great, and the lyrics are pretty well translated. English version here and Japanese version here.

Overall, their efforts were pretty good, but my main problem is that the English versions come off as typical Saturday morning cartoon theme songs, instead of what they actually are, Japanese pop/rock songs. I don't know if Funimation knows this, but those songs were not written for GT, they were only used as themes for the show. You know, these were songs you could actually hear on the radio or watch on the music video channels in Japan. These English versions though....I could picture them on a disney soundtrack or something.

Don't get me wrong, I love that they took the time to do this, I like some of them, and I appreciate the effort to cater to fans who like their shows as they were intended, but there is just something missing. I'm still at a loss as to why they couldn't put this much effort into Dragon Ball Z, it would have been nice to see the theme songs get a translation. It's nice to finally see them get something right, but it took them so long too do it that it's basically too little too late.

I'm sure they'll find a new way to milk the series as they always do, so we'll see what the future brings. All in all if you don't yet own the GT series, this is the best form available to own it in, even if you do own the previous releases, you may want to pick this up just for the Japanese audio option alone.

If you're interested below are links to the full versions of the original Japanese songs:

Dan Dan Kokoro Hikareteku by Field of View (official music video)

Dan Dan Kokoro Hikareteku by ZARD (Izumi Sakai wrote the song for Field of View and later recorded her own version, no official video available.)

Hitorijanai by DEEN (live)

Don't You See! by ZARD (live version)

Blue Velvet by Kudo Shizuka (official music video)

Sabitsuita Machine Gun de ima wo uchi nuko by WANDS (sorry, couldn't find an actual music video or live video)

WTG chronicles.

2009-02-22T22:51:00.005-05:00

So, I've done a pretty terrible job of keeping up with this site. I'm not really sure if anyone really cares or reads this much (outside of like one or two people), but I'm going to try to post more frequently. I really don't have too much to talk about right now, so this is likely to be the most boring thing ever posted on this site. I can't remember the exact date, but pretty soon I'll have had this site for one year (it would have been longer had I not deleted my old account), so hopefully I'll have something of importance written up by then.

Far too often do I let all the things that bother me in life stop me from doing things I enjoy/want to do. It also doesn't help that work gets in the way and usually when I get home I end up too tired to concentrate on stuff. Life just isn't making much sense to me lately, if I don't get to do anything I enjoy, then why should I keep on doing the things that I hate? So I can pay bills for crap I don't even really want. I suppose I'm being slightly unrealistic because I understand we all have to work, but I just feel like I need more freedom to fully pursue the things I enjoy doing. I just feel trapped and none of my alternatives (that are within reason) seem any better than where I am now. I don't really feel like trading one crappy situation for another.

Another thing I have had it with are people, I'm tired of people who act like they give a damn only to go and prove the opposite of what they said. Remember when commitment meant something? How about friendship? Loyalty? Honesty, maybe? Any of these concepts ringing a bell? No? Didn't think so. It's like this shit is completely lost on you dumbasses.

And here lies the problem, everyone claims to want something special, meaningful, someone there for them, not just intimate relationships, but friendships too, yet nobody is willing to be straight up with their friend/significant other/whatever and actually be real. It's like there was a big douche capt. convention and everyone decided "hey, let's all claim to want something real and then when it comes along pass it up for more stupidity!" As if the concept of having a good relationship with another human being is better than actually having it. I don't know, maybe I'm just living in the wrong universe, but it sure would be nice to see someone who actually has the ability to think.

I guess it turns out I had more to say than I thought.

Stop ruining music.

2009-01-18T10:47:00.002-05:00

I love music, from alternative rock to video game soundtracks, there is nothing in the world quite like the feeling you get when you hear a song that moves you (emotionally, that is.) There is a (somewhat) new trend though, fans and "bands" are trading in talent, lyrics and music that mean something for pretty faces (and I use that term very loosely), girl jeans, tattoos, dance beats, and catchy, meaningless lyrics that could be written by a chimp. The sad part is that so many people are buying into it, leaving groups that actually work hard to make great music left in the dark. It used to be fun tracking down new music on the internet, now it's a chore because you have to sift through an endless sea of bullshit to get to anything worth hearing.

I remember back in the days of mp3.com bands would give away mp3s in hopes of getting their sound out there, now it's all about how many plays you have on myspace. If myspace plays are an indication of talent/success, music is in trouble. I discovered two prime examples of this douchebaggery in the past few days.

These fucking skanks and their male counterparts. I mean, who the hell decided this was good? The only thing this music makes me want to do is turn it off, but they have millions on plays and apparently countless fans rimjobbing them for their "amazing" music so they must be AWESOME LOL!!! What the hell is so amazing about looping some retarded midi-sounding tune over and over and screaming or talking over it?

brokeNCYDE sounds like what you would get if 50 cent had sex with a pterodactyl. It's just ludicrous to think there are so many people out there who actually enjoy this. And the lyrics, ah, the lyrics. All the songs are about drinking and partying, where is the depth in that? The defenses I hear are ridiculous: THIS IS MY PARTY MUSIC LOL!!, IT'S GOOD TO DANCE TO!!!, IT'S MY GUILTY PLEASURE!!! If you have to refer to something you like as a guilty pleasure (which implies you are ashamed of it), then clearly there is a reason. The reason is that it sucks. Plain and simple.

This is the worst, most talent-devoid bullshit you will ever hear this side of a Jonas Brothers concert. (Who by the way, are overproduced pieces of garbage who only got where they are because of the disney channel.) I had the displeasure of listening to a live track, but let me tell you, I did get a laugh out of it because it proved what I knew all along. They're absolute shit. Girls only like this type of music because they think the guys are HAWT LOL!! and apparently no matter what you look like playing guitar is HOT, too. Don't get me wrong, there is still plenty of great music out there, I just find it to be insane that it gets upstaged by cookie-cutter crap like this.

The fans are a damn joke, they all claim to be "different" and "individuals", but yet they all latch onto whatever the radio, mtv (wait, do they even play music anymore?), myspace, and their friends tell them to. Not to mention they all dress the same and describe themselves in the same way. "Music is my life!!!" If music is your life, your life is over, because this needs to die. Music isn't a fashion show, it's about expressing emotion. So wash off your eye-liner (you too, guys), get some pants that fit you, step away from the "scene" and figure out what you really like, and what's meaningful to you. (Of course I'm pretty sure you'll still all be saying PARTY MUSIC!!! LOL!!) Oi.

Goodbye 2008, year of the suck.

2008-12-31T23:59:00.000-05:00

So another year comes to an end. A few months from now and I will have had this "blog" running for a whole year. For me, 2008 was the beginning of the end for something I thought was special to me. Now at the time, the whole situation really messed me up, but I've since come to my senses. There is no time in life to let yourself be brought down by the mistakes of others. I wasted too much time trying to salvage something that was clearly not worth saving. I guess in a way I knew that, I am just not very good at dealing with change. In fact, I'm not going to say anymore about the subject other than that because it's just not worth it and I simply don't care about it.

The next blow this year dealt was the loss of my friend Chris's dad. (Which if you keep up around here, I wrote about in another post.) It came as such a shock because I had seen him just a week or two before it happened and he was fine. The few times I have been to his garage since then I sometimes still expect him to be there...it's just too weird. For me it was a sad reminder of mortality and no matter what we do there is a time when it will all come to an end. What happens after that remains a mystery.

Honestly, I'm still freaked out by it and I worry a lot about myself and those around me. I've not yet figured out how to stop that feeling...I'm not sure it will ever go away. I'm not the type of person to go on living life just ignoring things around me to make it easier. Although with the way the world has been, apparently I should be. Anyway, another string of stupidity involved me moving 3 times. Which is almost more than I have throughout my entire life. I'm hoping the next time I move will be somewhere far from this nowhere area and much more permanent. Somewhere with life outside of john deere, high school football, pig roasts, and redneck festivals (aka FAIRS!! LOL!!)

Other random situations of stupidity included (but not limited to) the death of George Carlin (R.I.P.), credit card fees for services I didn't buy, ridiculous late charges on said fees, getting bronchitis and pneumonia simultaneously, the doctor bill that followed, friends that I haven't heard from since August, more hypicrosy than you can find in our political system, and far too much more to even remember. This was very well one of the worst years of my life and that's really saying something. Either life is telling me to just give up because this is how it's always going to be, or that I have to make some kind of change. If only I were clear on what that change is. I suppose if nothing else, I've proven I can make it through things I didn't see myself getting through before.

As the year came to a close, Chrono Trigger was rereleased for the DS and I found myself getting back in touch with someone I didn't really expect to. I'm not sure how it will all unfold, but I am glad that we're still talking. After a year this terrible, I don't think I could have asked for much more. At the very least it gives me the hope that there is still a chance for things to work out the way I want them to. Hope has let me down before, so I try not to get my hopes up too high about anything these days. Though there are a few things that I just can't help but get my hopes up about.

Anyway, give or take some bullshit, that was the year as a whole. I still have some money problems to deal with, but money in all honesty, money isn't very important to me, even if our society is built on it. I leave you with some random ranting:

As the years go by, I find myself thinking more and more about how I don't want to settle for less just because that's what is right in front of me. Far too often do people end up involved in situations like that just because it's easier. Anything worthwhile will be worth fighting for, but at the same time we have to know when to draw the line between fighting and a lost cause. Those who are worthwhile won't let you fight alone, they'll stand by your side and fight to achieve the very same thing you're after.

Real love is not a choice, and I think that's where a lot of people go wrong today. It shouldn't be "I love him/her because he's/she's my boyfriend/girlfriend" it should be "I love him/her so he's/she's my boyfriend/girlfriend." People just toss the word around and take away all the meaning and I really hate that. I'm not saying you have to love someone before you can date them what I am saying is it takes longer than a week of dating someone you don't really know all that well in order to really feel that way. I think it's sad and stupid how some people just can't be alone and take whatever comes their way.

You have to be your own person and stand on your own before you can let someone else be with you. How pathetic is it if you need someone else to validate your existence? Of course it's nice to have someone be there for you, but if you don't have your own identity you'll never get it right. I'd rather spend my life alone than be in a relationship just because I don't want to be by myself. That's just settling, and I refuse to do it. It reminds me of a quote I saw in the newspaper once many years ago in the advice column when an older man was asked why he never married. If you have my AIM sn, you've seen this in my info for years:

"I'd rather spend my life wanting what I don't have, than having what I don't want."

The more you know...!

2008-12-23T09:00:00.006-05:00

"For in much wisdom is much grief, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow." ~Ecclesiastes 1:18

It's sad, but it's true. The more you know in life, the more aware you are of the ongoings of this world, the worse off you are. People are happy because in general, they are stupid. They lack common sense and the ability to think outside of the box of our society. Everyone seems to be okay with all the stupid things we have created for ourselves. Growing up you are told you can be whatever you want to be, whatever you put your mind to, but if you think about it in depth, that's not necessarily true. You'll always be confined by the system we created for ourselves, yeah, you can be whatever you want, within the confines of the society you're a part of. What about the people who want something more? What about those who realize that it's all just one big illusion? Those who have changed the world most are those who thought differently, but apparently that means nothing today.

In life if you are different, (whether it's the way you speak, look, act, dress, what color you are, your morals and/or religious beliefs, etc.) and you don't fit in with the majority, you've probably noticed that you haven't had it as easy as those around you. Maybe you were picked on a lot in school, maybe you didn't get that job you wanted, maybe that girl you admire turned you down, either way, you've been denied something you wanted, all because you're not like them. It's all such a joke, you're told to be an individual, be yourself, stick to your beliefs...but apparently the minute you're not agreeing with the crowd, there is something wrong with you.

I can't tell you how many times people have shown surprise when I have told them: I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I haven't been around the block 3434564656 times. Sometimes they don't even believe you..."You've never been drunk?! LOL!!" As if that's so damn ridiculous. Personally I think it's ridiculous that all these activities have become so socially acceptable. Individuality is a lie, how can you be yourself when you're expected to be like everyone else? It just makes no sense. I'd rather be shunned by morons for the rest of my life than do what is "normal" according to the majority's standards. "To thine own self be true." - William Shakespeare.

The other issue with being an individual is that it's much easier to just go along with what everyone else is doing, no one has the will power to stand against the crowd in fear of being alone. This is the part I don't understand, if you've become friends with people or started dating someone under false pretenses, how can you be happy in that? All you're doing is giving up your own identity to get things you should be able to get within the guidelines of YOUR OWN standards. Apparently to some people that's "happiness" though.

Lying to myself just to be accepted or "loved" would make me more miserable than being alone because of how I view things. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who has a clear perception of this. It's like everyone else has a pair of rose-colored glasses and just thinks life is the way it is and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it. How about trying harder to be a decent person? No, no, I forgot...being a failure is much easier, and more acceptable so all the "cool" people will like you too! The next time you are faced with a decision, take a moment, step back, and decide who is really making the choice...you, or them.

idouche.

2008-12-19T15:51:00.004-05:00

Ah, in the great tradition of "economics," more stupidity presents itself. Apparently New York Governor David Paterson has proposed a tax (endearingly called the "itax" by some) on digital downloads such as music from itunes and amazon. Does anyone else see something wrong with this? I think the idea of taxes are bullshit in the first place, but to even consider taxing digital content (especially music) just screams "what the shit?" Why is it always the regular citizens job to bail our half-assed government out of debt? I mean really, what's next..oxygen tax?

Now let's think about this for a second...most people who download music and movies and all that are younger people (some of who aren't even old enough to work) so if anything this will probably promote illegal downloading more than anything else. They're just giving people more reason to NOT pay for these things. I know that if they actually go through with this, I won't be buying anything from them anymore.

Taxing digital music really pisses me off though. Way to suck the heart right out of it. If Governor Patterson thinks this will help he's blind! (oh, wait.) Isn't there anyone out there involved in politics who has a brain left? Every "solution" they ever come up with always adds more problems. I guess they're not concerned about the music industry though, as long as the government gets paid everyone is happy! If the economy is so damn "BAD" LOL then why the hell would you take MORE money from the citizens? Oh the hypocrisy..

Signs.

2008-12-08T21:53:00.003-05:00

No, this isn't about the movie with the aliens that make all the crop circles. Life is so ironic sometimes, well, mine seems to be anyway. The universe always finds a way to point me back in one certain direction. It's either that or there is some force that enjoys playing one gigantic cosmic joke on me. (which is also a good possibility) You think you've forgotten something, but then you start to realize that you only set it aside because that's what you thought you had to do. This will probably sound vague to most that read it, but I don't really care.

I often wonder if fate really exists, and I find myself wishing for a deeper meaning in things that I'm sure most would call trivial. Maybe I am just too perceptive and pick up on little things that no one else in their right mind would notice. No, that can't be all there is to it, because I don't want to settle for that. I know there is something to all that's happened over the years other than some dumb coincidence. If only I could make something happen while I have the window of opportunity. "If only," "what if," these are things I don't want to have to wonder anymore...it makes me feel like the entity in Chrono Trigger.

Does anyone out there believe?

Money.

2008-11-19T09:30:00.002-05:00

I was talking about this with a friend last night. The whole concept of money really pisses me off. It ruins lives. Unless of course you happen to be "blessed" with insane amounts of it. It really bothers me that there are people out there who can't even afford to eat or have a roof over their head, yet others have more money than they can ever spend in their lifetime. Hell, even worthless criminals in prison get the food they need and a place to sleep. I find it ridiculous that our government acts so concerned about these issues yet they never really find a way to resolve it. Now, I may not be the most politically inclined person to speak of such things, but why does it seem that most of the "help" for the poor and homeless is left up to the common people? Don't get me wrong, I think charity is a great idea and it's nice if you can give to someone who has less than you, but if our government is so damned concerned, why don't they step in and take care of it? In all honesty, I don't believe they really care.

Our society enjoys and thrives on keeping people in separate classes. There are plenty of things that could be done to help those who can't afford to live. For one, money itself and what things are worth is a system we just made up! We put the value on those stupid little green pieces of paper and made the whole damn country/world revolve around it. Everyone should be given their basic needs to live, regardless of their job and income. Who are they to do this to us? In the old days before all this bullshit when people lived off the land everyone was equal. Sure, it was a whole hell of a lot less civilized, but people worked together to make sure everyone in the tribe got what they needed to survive. You'd think with all our fucking advancements we'd have our own way of doing the very same thing today.

Another pile of bullshit is sports stars and the ridiculous amounts of money they make. These people play a damn game for a living and make so much more than they could ever spend in their life. We give them all this money and what do they do? Use steroids and live well beyond their means, meanwhile those who do the real work get paid shit and can barely afford to live. It's just unfair and I'm tired of it. I wish I could start my own damn country and get away from you people.

Now I'm off to work. Joy.

Only in dreams.

2008-10-17T01:04:00.005-04:00

Most things in life that seem too good to be true are. Learn it, remember it. Next time someone tells me I can "have anything I want out of life I just have to want it" I am going to spit in their face. If I had the god-like powers to make my life exactly how I want and change people to fit the mold of what I believe them to be, would I feel like this? If I could be happy just by "wanting" it, don't you think I would have achieved it long ago? I feel like the potential for happiness is always dangled in front of me, showing me what could be if things worked out as I imagine them in my mind. It's like the donkey when they dangle the carrot in front of them on the fishing line...you just keep walking towards it and it's right in front of you, but you can never quite have it.

I always find myself dreaming of what could be, and somehow the image never quite matches up to my reality. I think of alternate realities....what my life would be like if my dad didn't die, what my life would be like if I didn't live in this shit town, what if I were closer, what if I were more talented at things I enjoy...I don't know, sometimes reality hurts. These are the things that haunt me constantly. Maybe I think too much, maybe I get my hopes up and believe in things that are impossible.

And yet...somehow deep down I know I am right. I know I'm a good person and as insecure about myself as I may seem at times, I really feel like I should be more appreciated than I am. As much as I hate the douchebaggery that countless people commit everyday, I am still a very caring person. I care too much. I've cared about plenty of people I shouldn't because they don't even care about themselves. I don't really understand people at all...and yet at the same time I understand them so well. I see right through their bullshit.

When it comes to girls I am respectful, I'm not all about "LOL HOTTIEZ!! HIT IT!!!", I get to know you for the person you are, I talk to you like a human being, not an object put on the planet for my personal gratification. Some girls recognize this, and I have received some very nice compliments as a result. But if it's so damn wonderful, then why is it never good enough? Why am I so easily forgotten? If you know me you know that I have no ego whatsoever, but I know for a fact that no matter what bullshit line some douche feeds you that they will never mean it like I do. When I give a compliment it comes from the heart, not some hidden desire to get you in the sack. I care, I protect, I love. And it's genuine and it's sincere. I hate even saying that because I'd rather have someone recognize it than have to announce it. If that makes sense.

In the end, it just seems like no matter what I do they always fade out and I'm left here like I never existed. Even my "friends" have forgotten about me for the most part. Except for Rodney, he still acts like I'm alive and I'm grateful for that. (Hell, people I only know online have been better friends than my real life friends.) Most people say "hey, that's life." but I question it, I wonder...why do people come into your life for so damn long only to go away? On to whatever bullshit they'd prefer to do. If it's some kind of life lesson, I think I've had enough....and it doesn't take this long to learn.

I often make remarks about wanting to give up on life, just throw it all away and quit. I admit, most of the time I don't think life is worth it. I don't think the pain that I've endured has been balanced out by the good. There's simply not enough good...and it seems like every time there is good something has to take it away. As much as I say I wish life would just pass me by and be over with, I don't really want that. I don't want that to be the only option for me to get some peace. I want to live, I want to be happy. I want to enjoy being alive. The only thing that keeps me going is the small belief that my time will come...my fear is that time will continue to go by and all that will be is just that, a blind faith unanswered by this screwed up world.

Life will have passed me by and everything and everyone I ever cared for will be gone. And I will have never found the happiness that I wanted. What would be the point of that? If I knew that's all my life was going to be....constant dreaming...I wouldn't even bother. I'm tired of wishing for better. I know I'll hear "then make it better!!! LOL!" which just pisses me off, there are certain things which aren't within my power to change.

Anyway...sometimes I even wonder if there is a parallel universe out there where my life turned out the way I've pictured it, where the things I've wished for have come true. If there is, I hope that me is really enjoying it and isn't taking anything for granted. Still, I want more...I deserve more. Please, let me have it..

"Kicking and screaming..."

Can't take much more.

2008-10-06T22:24:00.003-04:00

So I'm at work this morning, (as if that wasn't bad enough) and I get a phone call. I thought maybe it was my mom or something like that because no one really calls for me at work. I answer the phone and some lady that I could barely understand (thanks to her thick accent) tells me she's calling from HSBC Mastercard to "collect a debt." That's when I knew without a doubt that this was the start of bullshit.

I do have a mastercard, but I never even activated it, but somehow there is a charge for $74.99 and she's calling to tell me that there is also a late fee on this charge, so that puts me up to about $112.99. I told her I that I've never used this card and she confirmed that I had never activated it as well. Then, she told me the bill came from TLG Autovantage (which of course, I have never heard of.) and gave me their number and the "membership number." So before I call I type this number into google and the only thing that comes up are scam reports and people complaining of unauthorized charges on their cards.

So reluctantly, I call this autovantage up and of course before talking to anyone they make you enter your ridiculously long "membership number." Yeah, the one I never signed up for. Then some shitty hold music plays and finally lady number 2 is on the line. First I ask her what exactly autovantage is and she tells me it's a roadside assistance program for towing and that.

So I explain to her that the charge appeared on a card I have NEVER used or activated and she tells me that I must have cashed a ten dollar check they send out and if you cash it, it enrolls you in their program. I tell her I never cashed any check or signed up for this, nor do I even have a car at the moment. So she's like "well it's for passengers too," which was annoying. Is it that hard to understand I don't want your damn program? So then she's like:

"I can send you an $80 voucher that you can spend on whatever you want."

"Okay...and then I'm out of the program?"

"No, that's if you stay signed up."

I begin to lose my patience.

"No, I don't want to stay signed up, I have no use for this and I didn't sign up for it or cash any checks, I just want the charge off my card."

So she finally gets it and tells me the charge will be credited back to my account and gives me a "confirmation number." Whatever that means. Anyway, I wrote it down in case I have to do anything further with it. I then tried to call mastercard back to get my late charge waived, but of course since I can't find the stupid card (I know it's somewhere in my stuff, but I haven't seen it since moving) and I have no billing statement because I've never used the card, you can't get through to anyone without the account number. Which is just stupid, what the hell am I supposed to do? I tried e-mailing, so we'll see how that goes. It never fails though...it's just always something.

More stupitidy.

2008-09-24T18:19:00.002-04:00

I see/hear a lot of stupid shit, but this really takes the cake. Let me see if I understand this correctly. PETA doesn't want Ben & Jerry's to use cow's milk in their ice cream because: "The fact that human adults consume huge quantities of dairy products made from milk that was meant for a baby cow just doesn't make sense," says PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman. Well Tracy, you've got them there. I mean, we all know how many adults out there still breast feed.

Are they serious? If it makes no sense for us to drink milk meant for baby cows, then how the hell does it make any more sense to drink milk made for baby human beings?! These idiots didn't even come up with this idea themselves, apparently some wooden-shoe-wearing Swiss restaurant owner decided he's going to substitute breast milk for 75% of the cow's milk in the food he serves. Sounds like a formula to put yourself out of business. Where do these stupid-ass ideas come from? Apparently we have to save the all the cow milk for baby cows, but what about the milk for the babies? I don't really see how the principle is all that different.

I don't know about you, but for some reason milk from some strange woman's breast doesn't seem very appetizing at all. Thankfully Ben & Jerry's is declining, but if you ask me, they were too nice about it. I'm all for being kind to animals and respecting other lifeforms (in fact, I respect them much more than people.) but PETA is just retarded, they take a good cause, anally rape it, put it through a blender, and spit it out all over society.

I mean, these are the same morons who came up with the "Got Beer?" campaign to reduce milk consumption. How in the fuck could that possibly help anything? "WELL PEOPLE ARE DRINKING AND DRIVING AND KILLING EACH OTHER BUT AT LEAST THE COWS CAN KEEP THEIR MILK LOL!!" I've had enough of all these organizations and their pathetic attempts to "better" society. You want to better society? Remove yourselves from it.

Sundays.

2008-09-21T15:03:00.006-04:00

Well, it's that time of the weekend again. The day when Monday is closest...it's supposed to be "a day of rest" and relaxation, but most Sundays I spend dreading the week to come. Actually today has been pretty pathetic, I woke up around 9, worked out for a little, took a shower, and then sat here until about 1. Then I played Frugal Gourmet and made some lunch...and right back to the computer. Funny thing is there are millions upon millions of things on the internet and I can't seem to find anything to keep me entertained. In fact, most of the stuff I see or read about just pisses me off. DB LIVE ACTION MOVIE LOL!!, DUMBASS TRAIN ENGINEER KILLS INNOCENT PEOPLE JUST SO HE CAN TEXT WHILE DRIVING!!!

I guess that's my fault for actually having a brain and thinking about the things that bother me. Actually, this past week I have had so much on my mind the only thing I really did was go to work and then come home and do nothing. This is definitely not how I want to live. I guess you can't force your friends or anyone else to give a crap about you though, so I'll deal with it like I always do. I think I just need to get away from here...

This is your brain on drugs.

2008-09-11T18:06:00.002-04:00

I'm so sick of people trying to justify their reasons for using drugs. They come up with some of the dumbest shit I've ever heard. "LOL I ONLY DO COKE AT PARTIES, IT'Z NOT LYKE I AM ADDICTED!!!" I mean seriously, what the hell is the matter with everyone? Do these people actually believe the bullshit they spew out? Using drugs isn't a game and I don't see what's fun about potentially fucking yourself (or someone else) up for life.

Of course, when you try to bring this stuff to their attention all they can say is "you've been brainwashed by D.A.R.E. and the government!!! LOL!!" Because you know, the only way you can possibly not want to use drugs is if you're an official officer for D.A.R.E. Fuck D.A.R.E., and fuck you. I've made my own choices not to be a complete moron and try to be a decent, responsible person. Speaking of responsible...what the crap does it mean to use drugs "responsibly?" As if that were possible....no matter how little or much you use it still has adverse effects on your health. If you were truly responsible, you wouldn't be doing something so stupid.

"LOL YOU'RE JUST CLOSE-MINDED AND JUDGEMENTAL!" Die. At least I'll still have a mind of my own as long as I'm alive. You know for a bunch of dumb asses who aren't doing anything "wrong" you sure do get defensive when you're called out on it. Gee, now you wonder why that is?! And then you've got these morons who come at you with all this "research" they've done about how the facts you've learned are wrong and they try to show you links to these bullshit sites with jackasses that do these studies. Like I'm going to trust some bullshit from Dr. Fiddlefuck posted on some site no one has ever heard of. A guy who was probably tripping on acid and eating shroom salad back in the 70's.

The real tragedy here is that these morons are our future. People that actually believe that it's okay to fuck yourself up because they can still "work jobs that pay great and run their own company!" Yeah so what's your point? Assholes that go home and beat their wives can have good jobs and run companies, but that doesn't exactly make them outstanding citizens now does it? If you don't want to be called an idiot, here's an idea: Stop being so damn stupid. Wake up and realize that your parents weren't trying to stop you from "having fun!" Can't you have fun without taking part in stupidity?

It's a waste of your life and a waste of that money that your "high-paying job" shells out to you every week. If you're spending money on "$30 BLUNTS LOL!" you need a new fucking hobby. Why piss away your "hard earned" money on something you and your friends blow (sometimes literally) through in an hour? Remember when having fun was hanging out at a friend's house and playing video games? I wish I knew how the hell this all became so acceptable. Keep thinking you're cool, we'll see how it turns out. I doubt this will change any time soon though, it seems as time goes on people get dumber and dumber.

I want to shine on you.

2008-09-06T00:55:00.005-04:00

It's been a while since I've posted anything again, I'm really sick of work/life in general stopping me from doing stuff. Anyway, this time I bring you a new single from Japanese rock band (ROCK BAND LOLOLOL!!! fuck that "game") L'arc 'en Ciel. To be honest, I haven't heard to many of their past songs, but the few I do recall hearing I don't think I cared for much. The songs had a darker/heavier tone that I just wasn't liking.

I do however enjoy Hyde's (the lead singer) version of "Glamorous Sky," so I thought I'd check this out. Nexus 4/Shine is different though. The music seems to have taken a more uplifting feel this time around and I think they do it well. The first song, "Nexus 4," features impressive guitar work and a nice vocal melody. I like the build-up to the chorus a lot. Next up is "Shine," which opens with the lyrics (in English):

I want to shine on you
And always light the dazzling sun
I will defend you from all the darkness
This is the truth from my heart

Good stuff. It has a very uplifting feel to it with the background vocals and the lead intro guitar. It makes you feel as though you should be outside on a sunny day taking in the scenery. That might sound corny, but it just makes you feel good. The solo in the middle is awesome too. Makes me wish I could play like that.

Also included are semi-instrumental versions of each song called "Hydeless" versions, as they still include the backing vocals. I kind of wish they were regular instrumentals because it sounds kind of strange, and I like having just the music to play along with. Oh well, it's still a good single.

You can listen to the songs here:

Check out one of my favorite music blogs Jpop n' Kpop for the rest. You can also check out youtube for the music videos.

Summer Memories and new full length.

2008-08-18T16:33:00.006-04:00

Aya Kamiki's latest single (released August 9th) is Summer Memories. The title song is a nice ballad-type song which really showcases her strong vocals. When I first heard the song, I have to admit I didn't like it as much as her other singles so far, but the more I listen to it the more I like it. It's actually pretty catchy for a ballad and I really like how the instrumentation swells toward the end of the song. The 2nd track is "I'm Your Side," which I'm kind of thinking is bad English for "I'm by your side" because in the actual lyrics it says "I'm Always By Your Side."

Anyway, the song is upbeat pop-rock complete with catchy intro, guitar riffs, and vocal melody. The third track is the instrumental version of Summer Memories which is cool. (Though I wish they would have included one for "I'm Your Side." All in all this is a great little single to hold you over until September 10th, the release date for Aya's third full-length album "Are You Happy Now?" It's up for pre-order on play-asia right now.

But first:

And the video:

Apparently there will be 3 versions of "Are You Happy Now?" version one is just the album, two has the album and a music video DVD for Sunday Morning, Kimi Sarishi Yuuwaku, and Summer Memories, and three is the album and a live DVD, not too sure what's going to be on it, I assume live versions of songs from the new album?

The covers are a little boring compared to the previous releases, but the music is what counts anyway. And finally, the tracklist for the new CD (which I got from Aya Kamiki Chile Blog.):

01. Are you happy now ?

作詞 (Lyrics)：上木彩矢 (Aya Kamiki)
作曲 (Music)：岡本仁志 (Hitoshi Okamoto)
編曲 (Arrangement)：岡本仁志 (Hitoshi Okamoto)

02. It's a beautiful day

作詞 (Lyrics)：上木彩矢 (Aya Kamiki)
作曲 (Music)：岡本仁志 (Hitoshi Okamoto)
編曲 (Arrangement)：岡本仁志 (Hitoshi Okamoto)

03. Just take my heart

作詞 (Lyrics)：上木彩矢 (Aya Kamiki)
作曲 (Music)：岡本仁志 (Hitoshi Okamoto)
編曲 (Arrangement)：岡本仁志 (Hitoshi Okamoto)

04. itsu no hi mo kimi dake I Remember you

作詞 (Lyrics)：上木彩矢 (Aya Kamiki)
作曲 (Music)：岩井勇一郎 (Yuichiro Iwai)
編曲 (Arrangement)：岩井勇一郎 (Yuichiro Iwai)

05. SUNDAY MORNING

作詞 (Lyrics)：上木彩矢 (Aya Kamiki)
作曲 (Music)：大野愛果 (Aika Ohno)
編曲 (Arrangement)：岡本仁志 (Hitoshi Okamoto)

06. Summer Memories

作詞 (Lyrics)：上木彩矢 (Aya Kamiki)
作曲 (Music)：大野愛果 (Aika Ohno)
編曲 (Arrangement)：岡本仁志 (Hitoshi Okamoto)

07. I'm your side

作詞 (Lyrics)：上木彩矢 (Aya Kamiki)
作曲 (Music)：岡本仁志 (Hitoshi Okamoto)
編曲 (Arrangement)：岡本仁志 (Hitoshi Okamoto)

08. Walking down the street

作詞 (Lyrics)：上木彩矢 (Aya Kamiki)
作曲 (Music)：大島こうすけ (Kousuke Oshima)
編曲 (Arrangement)：大島こうすけ (Kousuke Oshima)

09. Secret Night

作詞 (Lyrics)：上木彩矢 (Aya Kamiki)
作曲 (Music)：徳永暁人 (Akihito Tokunaga)
編曲 (Arrangement)：徳永暁人 (Akihito Tokunaga)

10. Crash

作詞 (Lyrics)：上木彩矢 (Aya Kamiki)
作曲 (Music)：川本宗孝 (Munetaka Kawamoto)
編曲 (Arrangement)：麻井寛史 (Hiroshi Asai)

11. Good-bye my love

作詞 (Lyrics)：上木彩矢 (Aya Kamiki)
作曲 (Music)：岡本仁志 (Hitoshi Okamoto)
編曲 (Arrangement)：岡本仁志 (Hitoshi Okamoto)

12. Kimi Sarishi Yuuwaku

作詞 (Lyrics)：上木彩矢 (Aya Kamiki)
作曲 (Music)：大野愛果 (Aika Ohno)
編曲 (Arrangement)：岡本仁志 (Hitoshi Okamoto)

13. Best of my love

作詞 (Lyrics)：上木彩矢 (Aya Kamiki)
作曲 (Music)：川本宗孝 (Munetaka Kawamoto)
編曲 (Arrangement)：葉山たけし (Takeshi Hayama)

Premium Track

Ai wa kurayami no naka de

Good to see they included the Zard remake track and all of the tracks from the singles. Alright, till next time...which hopefully won't be too long.

"Privileged"

2008-08-05T21:35:00.002-04:00

So on Saturday I got the mail, and just to spoil my weekend, I get a "summons" for jury duty. It was set for August 12th, good thing I have no life or I might actually have to bitch about not getting more of an advanced notice. The funny thing is I just got the slip that you have to mail back to the court in the mail a few months ago and already I'm selected. Anyway, I love the bullshit that they write in these kind of letters to make it sound like you've been chosen to do something worthwhile. It tells me that it is a "privilege" for citizens of New York to be able to take part in jury duty. Yeah, because interfering with my already bullshit schedule is a huge "privilege." Does anyone actually believe that? I mean sure, maybe if you have some kind of interest in our legal system (which is bullshit if you ask me) but other than that, no.

Another one of my favorite parts was "be sure to dress in a manner that is respectful to the court." As if the fucking building gives a shit how I dress. (Yes, I know what it actually means, but they word it like morons.) I'll be honest, I don't own any "dress" clothes and I'm sure as hell not about to go shopping and waste money on shit I will never wear again for some bullshit that I don't want any part in. It's bad enough I have bills to pay and groceries to buy. I'd like to keep what little money left over that I do have for things I actually want.

Apparently you can be excused once (for a period of six months where you have to set a date when you are available) lucky for me I live in a free country or that would sound a lot like my government telling me what I have to do. So yesterday morning I called the number and simply told them I don't own a car, no car = no transportation = me not going. Which isn't a lie, I don't have a car of my own right now and I'm "lucky" I can get back and forth to work as it is. So the lady asks me if I think I'm going to be getting a car soon. Ha! I told her it was kind of hard to say off hand, I pay rent and bills and live on a fixed income and it's hard to save money for anything. So then she was like "well I'll take you off for a year and then we'll see where you're at." So I guess I don't have to go...but it's still bullshit because I'm sure I'll have to deal with it again in the future. Ah, the illusion of freedom and our many "privileges." Gotta love it.

Existence.

2008-07-15T23:36:00.009-04:00

Do you ever wish you'd never been born? You wouldn't have to live, you wouldn't have to die. You'd never love, you'd never hate. You'd never have to feel anything or worry about losing people/things that you love. I think about this a lot. Rather than deal with anything, I'd just rather have never existed (even though it's not possible since I'm already here). Life is mostly crap and death is the same. I guess in a way wishing that is the coward's way out...but it doesn't really matter if you think about it.

Once I am gone, the world will continue as though I was never here anyway. That probably holds true for most of us. The only thing that will remain is my personal stuff...and I even get sad wondering where all that will end up. I wish I could take it with me. heh. Deep down, I don't really want that...but I feel like it's a better alternative to what lies ahead. I know that if life, society, work, and most of the people in it weren't so shitty, that I would really like life.

That's the thing though, I can't live life the way I want to, so unless that somehow happens, I'm sure I'll never really be happy in all aspects of living. I can't live forever and I can't make the people I care about live forever. I can't make friends be there for me. I can't stop people from hurting me. I wish I could, but all the wishing in the universe changes nothing. To me, there's just not enough good. I'm not even sure I want to post this, I'm sure (if anyone even bothers to read this) that someone will be like "LOL UR EMO!!" or think I am a psycho. Because, you know, thinking and questioning life makes you some sort of nut.

I guess if I were cool and just drank myself stupid and smoked "$30 BLUNTS! LOL" then I could live like everyone else and pretend nothing really matters except dumb shit. Yeah, right. I don't want to (no wait, scratch that, I just CAN'T) live the way society expects you to and pretend to be okay with that. As much as I say this though, I'll still go to work for a stupid paycheck just so I can "survive." I'll still wish things that aren't possible, and I'll still get depressed about it. So yeah, I don't know. I leave you with this:

Peanuts know their shit.

Play with balls...

2008-07-11T23:10:00.003-04:00

Dragon balls that is!

Jumpland.com finally has content in English (and various other languages) so I don't have to play blindly through their games anymore. So far they have the dragon radar game I posted above, hopefully more to come soon.

Also, I added the official Chrono Trigger DS trailer to my post below.

CT, the true Second Coming.

2008-07-03T18:02:00.006-04:00

Quite possibly the best news I have heard all year, Chrono Trigger appears to be making it's way to the nintendo DS. There's even an official page with the classic CT clock counting down the hours. Of course, the site doesn't tell you exactly when the game is being released, but rumor has it that it's going to hit the U.S. by this holiday season. If you know me well, then you know what this means to me. I grew up with this game and played it countless times, I've always hoped for a true sequel or a remake and it's finally coming true. Supposedly it will have a new dungeon and make use of the DS's wireless multiplayer mode, and of course, touch screen features. No word on a graphical overhaul, but I actually kinda prefer they leave it alone. Akira Toriyama's artwork doesn't need an update, it's just that good. Perhaps we'll get a better U.S. translation though?

I've wanted a DS for a while and this has me pretty much sold. In fact, I'm probably going to buy myself two copies so I can sell it on ebay when it becomes "LOL RARE!!" I only hope SE gets this right and doesn't do something to ruin my favorite game of all time. Anyway, I don't want to think about that, as far as I'm concerned it's on the way and it's going to be great. If you've never played or heard of this game, you better get your ass in gear this time around, or you can continue being a total douche capt. and fail. CT is the the real second coming. That's right, shit's about to hit you like it's 1999 A.D all over again.

Douche Capts.

2008-06-27T19:36:00.003-04:00

I'm sick and tired of people justifying their stupidity with shit like "I learn from my mistakes" and "my mistakes have made me who I am today." And who would that be? A complete moron who doesn't know how to make the right choices? I want someone to tell me what the hell drinking and smoking pot have to do with how much life experience you have and how much you know about life? How does being an idiot somehow give you an edge knowledge/common sense-wise over someone with enough brains to not follow along with what every other douche in life is doing? Since when do you have to do something in order to know anything about it?

I hate living in a world where doing the right thing is rare, not "LOL RARE" like ebay either, I'm talking pretty much impossible to find rare. Then you have people telling you that you're "virgin" to the ways of the world because you don't take part in this shit. I don't have to experience something to know that it's stupid and not for me. I don't have to experience it to be educated on the subject and to see what other people do and how it affects them and their lives. From what I have seen, it's nothing but bullshit and causes more issues than anything. Apparently that's fun though. I am not about to lower my standards just so I can fit in with people and have more "friends". Because, you know, people aren't friends unless they bring you $30 BLUNTS LOL!!

If that's what it takes to get somewhere in life then I guess I'm going to be "in a shell" my whole life. At least I will go down knowing that I stuck to what I believe to be right and didn't let the crowd dictate who I am and what I do with myself. Sure, I might not be the happiest person on Earth, but if you're out fucking yourself up on the weekend or every night or whatever the hell it is you people do, then your life can't be all that perfect either. I leave you with the 2nd best poem ever (describes how I feel when it comes to people):

Kimi Sarishi Yuuwaku

2008-06-19T20:45:00.009-04:00

Aya Kamiki's 8th single "Kimi Sarishi Yuuwaku" or "Leaving You Temptation" was released yesterday. The song is being used as the theme for Pocari Sweat's "Bukatsu no Tenshi" campaign. I pre-ordered mine over on play-asia last week but haven't received my actual copy yet. Of course, that didn't stop me from listening to it. As you might have seen in a previous post, the video for the song has been out for sometime now and I even gave you an audio rip, but hearing the song in top notch quality, I have to say I like it even more.

Once again, this single has 3 tracks. First up, we have "Kimi Sarishi Yuuwaku" (obviously) and as I said it's a great pop-rock type song with a very catchy guitar riff (unlike all you guitar hero bitches) and a great vocal melody. As usual Aya's voice sounds great. The 2nd track is a song called "Whenever You're Gone Today" and it's almost just as good as the title track and probably could have been used as a single on it's own. I really like the intro to it a lot. Finally, the 3rd track is an instrumental version of "Kimi Sarishi Yuuwaku" and I can't stress enough how much I love the fact that Japanese singles include instrumental tracks. This will be hard to top, but I think she can do it.

How can you listen to this you ask? Well don't worry, I'm making it very simple once again:

And a high quality version of the video here:

Anyway, I hope someone out there actually takes the time to listen. You're really missing out if you limit yourself to American music only and the crap they feed you on the radio. Some of the best bands/artists I've ever heard are from Japan. If you like what you hear buy it, or take a good look around. >_> <_< ^_^

Plastikote is my new friend.

2008-06-15T16:01:00.007-04:00

God damn it, I'm really not keeping up with this site the way I want to. I'm tired of not having time for the things I really want to do, it just sucks. However, in between work and other various bullshit (such as moving, yes AGAIN.), I did find time to mod my old computer casing. I was actually going to dye a Super Nintendo, but of course on ebay they're all "LOL RARE!!!! $40 SHIPPING BECAUSE IT'Z 25 MILES TO THE POST OFFICE!!!" Anyway, since it was my first time, I figured I'd try it out on something I already have sitting around. I used Plastikote Ultra Vinyl Color Dark Blue. This product was a bitch to find around here and it cost me 8 bucks for a can. I have to say though it was actually well worth it and the results speak for themselves:

Too bad I got a new PC a few days ago, cause this looks sharp. So yeah, it used to be black and silver (I was going to do before and after pictures, but wouldn't you know it, my batteries were dead at the time), obviously I did the silver parts in blue. I was going to do the faceplate in blue as well, but everyone I asked said it looked fine the way it was. There are a few blemishes because I did this outside (I had to because this stuff has killer fumes) and bugs kept crash landing into the wet dye. Other than that though, the stuff works really well and looks professional. I have a can of black..so I was thinking of doing my old PSone next. This is something I can see myself doing a lot more of, it's fun and easy. Hopefully I can find a reasonably priced Super Nintendo. If anyone wants anything painted, I'd be happy to give it a shot. Of course, seeing as how barely anyone reads this....I probably won't get much of a response. Whatever.

A Little Pain.

2008-05-31T18:46:00.003-04:00

My newest musical discovery is OLIVIA (Olivia Lufkin), a Japanese singer/band. Olivia even sings some songs in English and her pronunciation is actually very good. Probably due to the fact that according to her wiki article, she's half-American and Japanese and has spent some time living in the U.S. Her album "The Cloudy Dreamer" is apparently her fifth "mini-album" (there are only 8 tracks.) so I guess I'm a little late discovering her music. Anyway, the songs have this dark, rock sound to them, yet at the same time it's very uplifting. Songs that make you feel like even though there is pain behind them, everything will be alright. My two favorite songs off the album are "A Little Pain" and "Wish (English version)." These are also the songs which express that dark, yet uplifting sound best. They were also used as the opening and ending themes to the NANA anime series. This album is definitely worth a listen, so I hope you will at least give it a chance....but wait. Since I know that people are probably too lazy to get out there and do it on their own, I'm going to make it really easy. Listen here:

And if you like what you hear buy the album at play-asia (buying a CD you like every once in a while is a good thing.) Or if you're too poor the album is easy enough to find *COUGH*google*COUGH*. At the very least, you should be able to find my two favorite songs. ;)Probably closer than you think. Hopefully my next update won't be too far off. See you next time, eating the pudding. >_> <_< ^_^"

Sad.

2008-05-30T18:16:00.000-04:00

Well, another 17 days have passed since my last "update." I was planning on writing a lot more than I have lately, but as usual stupid life/work/bullshit gets in the way. I've still found myself thinking about death a lot since my last entry and I feel like the more I try to stop thinking about it, the more life (or should I say death?) keeps presenting it to me. For example, today at work I had to go next door to the redemption center to bring back some bottles and cans for my boss and as I was walking up the ramp to the door there was a little baby bird laying there squirming around. It couldn't have been more than a few days old...I guess it had fallen off the roof.

So anyway I went inside and told the lady and she came out to look at it and I went off to grab a pair of gloves and a box, but by the time I got back it had died. There was another baby bird up there, but it was kind of pinned between the roof and the gutter, I'm not even sure how it could have gotten in there. I tried my best to push it back in with a piece of cardboard because I wasn't tall enough to reach. I know some people will say "oh it's just a bird", but yeah so what? Is it not a living creature like you and I? I don't even kill bugs, I catch them and throw them outside when I find one in the house. The other day I accidentally killed a bee and I actually felt guilty. Call me pathetic, who cares. To be perfectly honest, I feel like animals and bugs are more deserving of life than most people. Anyway, that's my story. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do about how I am feeling, death is a part of life...I just can't accept it.

The next post will definitely be tomorrow or Sunday, I'm actually writing it up as I post this one.

Don't let it slip away.

2008-05-13T17:10:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been a while since I have written anything. Time seems to be passing by without me even noticing these days. It's been a weird couple of weeks. I've moved yet again and am staying with my family in the oh-so-shitty town of Laurens (about 6 miles from Shittyonta) until the apartment upstairs is ready for me (which should be a few weeks to a month.) I guess it's not so bad...it's definitely a lot quieter than the street I was living on before.

Other than that, last week my good friend's dad died (R.I.P.)...it was pretty unexpected. So I went to the funeral and burial and what not...it was depressing to say the least. It has really had me thinking lately and just bringing myself down about life and how one day the people we care about will be gone. If you know me, then you know I am not very good at handling stress/tragedy, I have a hard time pulling myself through traumatic experiences to the point where it's difficult for me to continue with everyday life. (Which I am not much of a fan of as it is.) I know people say "you have to make the most of it while you're here" and all that, but why am I here? Most of the time I feel like life shits on me or finds someway to mess up the life which I picture in my mind. I don't expect things to be perfect, but I also don't think it should be bullshit all the time. I just don't feel like I can handle much more than I already have to deal with, which I think also prevents me from doing new things.

Before I stray from the topic too much, the only positive part of this ordeal was that I got to see my best friend Robbie that I don't really see anymore. And I thought it was nice how even though we don't really hang out anymore, we were there for someone we cared about in a time of need. Now, I just hope it doesn't take something like this for us to talk and hang out next time. He did lend me Final Fantasy 7 though, so that was cool. Heh. One thing that really bothered me though was that one of Chris's friends had to bring and I quote "a 30 dollar blunt" (god I hate that word.) up to his house after the reception. I don't take part in stupidity like that, so I kept my distance so that I didn't have to breathe that shit in. Now, I would think you're supposed to be there for your friend and helping him think positive and remember his dad, but instead you try to get him high? I don't know about you, but that just seems really disrespectful to his memory. In fact, if it was any other day I probably would have said something (and I probably should have), but I actually have respect for my friends and their families to not start a fight over faggotry.

Anyway, I've been trying to pull myself out of feeling like this, but it hasn't worked very well so far. I feel trapped within a reality that I can't change. (yes, you can change certain things, but not most of the ones I'd like to..) I want to be in a world where I won't be left behind, where my friends stay my friends, where people don't change for no reason, where I don't have to work some job "just to get by", where the one who loves you won't let you down. Maybe I am a little unrealistic, but I guess I am just a dreamer on the inside...

Chrono Trigger.

2008-04-30T23:16:00.000-04:00

The last few days I have been playing the greatest game ever created: Chrono Trigger. If you have no idea what it is, then you should be ashamed for being such a failure. 13 years ago, my family bought it for me for (I believe) my birthday. I instantly fell in love with this game, the characters, the graphics, the music, and one of the coolest stories ever. I mean, how can you not like time travel? Basically, an alien parasite (Lavos) falls to the Earth in the prehistoric era and burrows deep within the Earth, rising up and destroying it in the year 1999 A.D. You soon discover this and set out on a time traveling adventure to prevent this from happening. Now being 10 years old when I first played, and the year being 1995, I always thought it would be cool if the world actually came to an end in 1999. But it didn't, so I kept playing CT. Akira Toriyama, creator of Dragon Ball, (but you should know that) designed the characters, so of course they're all awesome. In fact, the main character is so cool he never even speaks. Let's take a moment to meet the cast of playable characters:

Crono: You start the game as Crono, a young man from the present: 1,000 A.D. You'll notice that Crono never actually speaks, but he has other ways of expressing himself. His weapon of choice is the katana.

Lucca: Crono's best friend. The inventor of the telepod and soon after the gate key, she's a genius when it comes to machinery and all things technology related. She became interested in science after her mother had an accident which resulted in the loss of the use of her legs. She uses various guns.

Marle: Crono bumps into her at the Millenia fair, one of the key events that sets off the plot of the entire game. She's secretly Princess Nadia, of the kingdom of Guardia. Her pendant reacts to the telepod and creates the very first time gate. It's also hinted that she has feelings for Crono. She uses a crossbow.

Frog: A swordsman from 600 A.D. Originally named Glenn, he was transformed into a frog by the wizard Magus during a battle which his best friend, Cyrus, captain of the Guardia Knights, was killed. Crono and Lucca meet him while trying to rescue Queen Leene in 600 A.D. He's an accomplished swordsman and the true wielder of the Masamune. (And quite possibly one of the coolest ideas for a character ever.)

Robo: A robot from the year 2300 A.D. Lucca repairs him at the Proto Dome and they become close friends after. His original name is Prometheus and his serial number is R66-Y. Later in the game, he brings to the parties attention the fact that the events which Crono and his friends are experiencing may be the work of a higher "entity." He fights with powerful arm attachments.

Ayla: The chief of the Ioka tribe in 65,000,000 B.C. You meet her while trying to get dreamstone to repair the Masamune. Later, you help her defeat the reptites, a race of dinosaur men who her people are at constant war with. She uses her bare hands in battle.

Magus: Leader of the mystics in 600 A.D. he was originally Janus, the prince of Zeal in 12,000 B.C., but during an encounter with Lavos he was thrown into the future. There he was raised by Ozzie, one of the mystics, where he became a powerful wizard. During the war between Mystics and Humans he killed Glenn's bestfriend Cyrus, broke the Masamune, and transformed Glenn into Frog. Later he joins your party in hopes of reuniting with his sister Schala.

This game also features one of the coolest creatures ever created, the Nu.

The Nu appears to be a very laid back creature, most of the time you can find them sleeping or just hanging out. There are a few secret ones which you can fight, and they will kick your ass if you're not careful. Their regular attack knocks you down to 1 hp. In a book written by Belthasar, it is stated:

The Mystery of Life" Vol. 841 Ch. 26

"All life begins with Nu and ends with Nu...

This is the truth!
This is my belief!
...at least for now."

They're just that great.

If you want more in-depth info on all the characters there is some surprisingly well-written information here.

Next, we have the music. Ah the music, CT's soundtrack is quite possibly one of the best ever. Since words can't really describe how good it is I'm providing a small playlist of music below:

And with that, I leave you to complete my journey through time. My original file recently got deleted (R.I.P. 13 years of game play.)so I'm playing through all over, after that I have about 11 or so more endings to get. Of course, with bullshit like work who knows when that will actually happen. Enjoy the music, if you don't, you really have no taste. So just get off my lame excuse for a website.

A list of games that will satisfy your girlfriend better than you.

2008-04-24T09:09:00.000-04:00

It was suggested to me that I make a new post. I don't really have much time for anything big right now, so this is simply a list of games that I think (no, that I know) are great.

Chrono Trigger
Final Fantasy 6 (or 3 if it's the SNES version)
Final Fantasy 4 (or 2 for SNES)
Breath of Fire 3
Metal Gear Solid
Kirby Superstar
Secret of Mana
Final Fight
Super Mario All-stars
Final Fantasy Tactics
Street Fighter Alpha 2
Super Mario Kart
Dragon Warrior/Quest 3
Dragon Ball Z Buu's Fury
Bubble Bobble

Maybe some of that list was a little predictable, but if you're one of the people that think that, then I don't even have to tell you how great these games are. If I feel like it later, I might add more info. Until then, stop failing.

"welkum 2 walton" population: Inbred.

2008-04-14T22:11:00.001-04:00

There's a lot of shitty, trash towns in Upstate New York...but I don't think any of them can compare to the stupidity fest that is Walton New York. Everyone knows everyone, everyone is related, everyone is a white, cross-eyed moron. These fucking people are like New York Telephone: they're all connected! If you've ever had the displeasure of being there you know exactly what I am talking about. If you actually enjoyed being there, please fall on a knife. This probably sounds all very judgemental, doesn't it? Well good. Deal with it. I mean, I have to put up with this place existing and that's nothing compared to reading about it on some guy's crappy blog that you probably don't give a shit about. What brought on this sudden urge to blast this blip on the map? Well aside from years of having to hear about the moronic events such as the "fair" (complete with tractor pulls, demolition derbies, smelly farm animals, and more sweaty rednecks than you can fit into the back of pa's pick up truck!), and a football team of genetic mutants that no one cares about, I had to come across the myspace page of some jackass who actually dwells there. I didn't know they discovered the internet in those parts yet, but unfortunately for the rest of the world...the time has come.

Let's take a look at what we have here. We'll start by taking a look at the header: "if you tap it they will come !!!" Wow, what a philosophy. (The kind that would make Plato turn in his grave.) I feel the budweiser background really brings that quote to life, don't you? Next we have his "about me": "i am 18 years old i like to run demo derbies and hang out with friends i like to ride snowmobile and four wheeler i hunt deer all year round." Ladies, don't let this amazing catch get away. (I guess he forgot to leave out the part about his parents being brother and sister.) And speaking of ladies (if you can call her that) this girl has a picture of herself grabbing her own breasts with a caption that states "my boobs how i luv them" (yes, just like that.) and he leaves a comment which says: "we should hang out so i could play with them big sons a bitches" - Whoa, just the kind of guy mom wants you to bring home! Why doesn't he just hit her with his club and drag her home by the hair? No, no, I shouldn't insult the cavemen like that. Turns out it's okay because this stupid girl actually thanks him for saying this. And why wouldn't she, after all would you be able to turn this down!? I think not! I won't even get into trying to make a comment about who he wants to meet, it's just stupid. This is about as deep as personalities get in this shit hole.

Now, let's take a look at some statistics:

Races in Walton:

White Non-Hispanic (96.8%)
Hispanic (1.4%)
American Indian (1.0%)
Two or more races (0.9%)

Now that's diversity. I think we've discovered where the KKK holds it's meetings these days. My guess is that 1.4% of those "white folk" have a lighter load of work on the farm.

For population 25 years and over in Walton:
* High school or higher: 79.5%
* Bachelor's degree or higher: 17.5%
*Graduate or professional degree: 6.0%
* Unemployed: 8.2%

Now, I'm not exactly sure what it takes to graduate high school in Walton, but I imagine its something along the lines of: "Good for you Billy-Bob-Carl-Danny-Frank, you learned to walk upright! lol!"

Last but not least, I leave you with a final portrait of this scum hole from our good friend Terry the toothless:

That's probably the whole town. If ever there was a place that needed to be wiped off the planet...

Kids being dumbasses? Drink Pocari Sweat!!

2008-04-12T00:45:00.000-04:00

Title make no sense? Read on! (Actually...you probably still won't fully understand.) Anyway, I just got back from a late-night run to walmart and bullshit still happens. I noticed these dumbasses in the store (just your average white-trash and their fatty of a girlfriend), but they weren't bugging me so whatever. Just so happens when I am leaving they happen to be leaving at the same time. Luck also has it that they are parked in front of me. So I get in the car and I wait for them to pull out of their spot so that I can just drive straight through, so I'm behind them and the next thing I know they loop around and end up behind me....then of course they have to try and race me down the highway and stick their hands out the window and yell who knows what. I just ignored them, but I did have the urge to follow them just to freak them out a little. Not worth it though.

Earlier I found the new music video for Aya Kamiki's new single "Kimi Sarishi Yuuwaku (Leaving you temptation)" on the Pocari Sweat website. What is Pocari Sweat, you ask? Apparently it's a Japanese sports drink in the same vein as Powerade. I'd never heard of it either until tonight, but I guess it's been around for quite some time now. If I ever get to try some, I'll let you know how it is. Anyway, to get to the video just click the link I provided, then after the site loads up click "enter" and then go to "menu" and you'll see a bunch of flashing pictures. In top right corner you'll see a photo of Aya wearing headphones, just click that and it takes you to the videos page. The one labeled "PV" is the music video. The video itself is alright, it has a little story to it and some pretty cool shots of the band. The song is upbeat, pop-rock and I'm sure this one will be caught in my head for a while. I'm not sure when the single is going to be released, so I went ahead and made an audio rip from the video. You can grab it here: Aya Kamiki - Kimi Sarishi Yuuwaku (Leaving You Temptation). Hope you enjoy it! (Or even bother to give it a listen for that matter.) I'll probably update with a release date for the single when I find out.

screencap1

screencap2

screencap3

screencaps courtesy of Aya Kamiki Chile blogspot. Alright it's nearly 2 a.m., time for me to go to bed.

Gayspace.

2008-04-03T16:47:00.001-04:00

Last night I was bored and browsing through myspace profiles. There were plenty of stupid ones, but one in particular stuck in my mind. This girl who was like 4'11 and slightly overweight had very revealing pictures of herself on her profile, and yet in her about me section it said something like: "please don't IM me and tell me what you want to do to me, that's not how you talk to girls!" (Although I don't know why anyone would want to do anything to her other than throw harpoons.) Which is great, I agree with that. I'm all for having respect for girls. However, I don't understand what kind of attention these girls think they're going to get when they take pictures of themselves half naked and put them up online. You're probably not going to attract the A crowd. (As if there was one on myspace.)

Here's a tip girls, if you want respect, you better damn well show some for yourself. Have a little class, believe it or not, there are guys out there that like that kind of thing. I know when I see a profile like that, I find it ridiculous that someone has to put their body on display for everyone and their perverted 45 year-old uncle to see. And these guys that comment on these pictures say the most retarded/disgusting things. "I'd hit it", "I want to fuck you so bad.", do people actually fall for these lines? Next time I hear someone say "I'd hit it" and they're serious, I'm going to hit them with a fucking baseball bat. Girls aren't there for your own sexual gratification, they're actually people with feelings (well, sometimes anyway). Wow, who would have guessed? Does anyone have conversations anymore that don't have to do with some guy telling a girl what he's going to do with his "love wand"? The way I see it, people are hopeless. Why not try to actually get to know someone before you wax your carrot to their photos? There are other things in life aside from "OmGz n00dz!! lol!" Try them out sometime..although to the typical excuse for a human being that probably means more drinking and drugs! All of you should be banned from existence.

Update: Wow, not even an hour after I post this and already myspace has provided more bullshit. This time you even get a profile link You can tell from the name of her link alone that after you see this you're going to wish mankind never existed. She actually admits to being a "slut" in her about me. Well, at least she's honest. But if you go to her photos....well that doesn't excuse the horror of the album titled "my pictures that were cummed on" I swear, it actually says that. Even worse... this now I don't know if that's real, but either way that has to be some of the most disgusting shit I've ever seen. What the fuck is wrong with people?! Why are these morons allowed to roam the Earth? Now, she also says in her about me "I hate guys that are desperate." How much more fucking desperate can you be than jerking off on a photo!? That's like telling your neighbor that fucks tables that it's a totally natural activity. I won't even begin to ask how that's attractive. What's really disturbing to me is that this is a real person, somewhere out there, living out life and spreading stupidity (and most likely various STDs.) All I ask is that people like this be removed from the universe. If you haven't lost all hope for humanity after reading this, you're probably one of them.

Tired.

2008-03-30T16:52:00.000-04:00

Well, I spent the whole weekend moving out of the house I've lived in with my family for the past 4 or so years. My parents are moving to the shit town of Laurens with my two younger sisters and I've moved into a 5 bedroom house with my other sister and her boyfriend. We're renting rooms from him for &250 each, everything included. Which if you think about it is pretty good. Unfortunately with rent, my loan payment, and cell phone bill...I'm still going to be pretty poor. You won't find a price like that anywhere else around here though. I don't know why they think they can charge insane prices in a dirtbag town like this. Generally rent for apartments ranges from $600-1,000 a month. The sad thing is that apparently people agree to pay this. People are jackasses though, what do you expect?

Anyway, I really don't feel like moving furniture ever again..but guess what? That's exactly what I get to do tomorrow at work. Ha. I still have quite a bit of unpacking to do, but I've got the essentials all set up (Computer/internet, PS2, SNES, DVD Player, if you didn't know.) I took a few pictures of the room in all it's messy glory, but I guess I'll have to edit them in later. I just talked to my mom on the phone and my USB cable for the camera is still at the old house. Oi. It's going to be pretty weird living "on my own"...maybe even a little lonely. Well, I guess I'll see what happens.

It means nothing.

2008-03-24T23:52:00.000-04:00

I don't understand how two people's lives can be so intertwined one minute, and the next they are nothing to eachother. What's the point of getting to know someone...getting to love someone and know everything about them, if one day you won't even know eachother anymore? Making plans for a future..a future that will never come to be. It's hard to think that everything you planned together, they will share with someone else. Intimacy, marriage, kids, growing old and just enjoying the things you love. It's like a bad dream you just want to wake up from...but you can't because it's your life. Why do we get close only to throw it all away? Spend years together, and then go our seperate ways? Why do we hurt each other? What's wrong with people? Are we not happy unless there is some sort of unnecessary dramatic bullshit happening in our lives? I know I could do without it. Lately I have been thinking a lot about this stuff. Not just because of my own experiences, but because what I am seeing my friends go through as well. I just question why we have to hurt like this. Maybe I think too much. Maybe I care too much...unfortunately it doesn't seem like many other people do.

How do these people have jobs?

2008-03-21T16:36:00.000-04:00

So on the way home from work today I stopped into Verizon because the cell phone I got through the "insurance" plan isn't holding a charge. First though, let me tell you about this beautiful insurance plan. You pay 4.99 a month for "full coverage", sounds good, right? Wrong. Apparently when it comes time to actually put this plan into use you have to pay a $50 deductible in order to get a new phone. No, you're not seeing things. Now, if they're still going to take more money from me for a new phone, why am I even paying the 4.99 a month? Well, apparently this is one of those fees for people being useless.

Okay, so I go in there and stand there like a moron for 5 minutes while some douchebag kid and his girlfriend (who are supposedly being waited on) throw one of the display phones at the ground to see if it's as "virtually indestructible" as the sign says. Surprisingly no one yells at them to stop and one of the employees even says "it's virtually indestructible, it won't break when you drop it." Finally, these genetic rejects leave and I hear a "Can I help you?" from a across the counter. I say "Yeah, I just got this phone from the insurance company and the battery isn't holding a charge, is there anything you can give me to use?" The tall middle-aged man with glasses then goes onto tell me that he can't give me a battery (though the store is full of them!) and that I should call the insurance company and complain. He hands me a pamphlet with the phone number highlighted, I leave unsatisfied.

We-heh-heh-hell! What a surprise. The way I see it, these people shouldn't even have jobs, the only thing they have ever done for me is refer me to someone else. I could have figured out that I can call the insurance company! The whole point of me going into the local office for help was so I don't have to deal with the hours of robotic replies and being put on hold while listening to substandard music. Why don't they just cut out the middleman all together and save themselves some more of that 4.99 they've been charging me!? Why even have human employees? Just put a fucking payphone with the customer service number taped to it in the middle of the room! I wish my job were as easy as saying "Gee I can't help you! Talk to *insert useless company name here*!!" In conclusion...fuck Verizon.

Good music and avoiding reality.

2008-03-19T22:49:00.000-04:00

This is the new single from Aya Kamiki, Sunday Morning. Sunday Morning is a great song, very infectious pop-rock type stuff. It's invaded my head for the past few weeks since I heard it. The second track "Just Take My Heart," is a pretty cool straight up rock song that is sure to please as well. Aya has a really great voice, she sings with a passion that makes you feel the music, and even if you've never listened to Japanese music before you should give this a try. If you don't like it, you have no soul. The third track is an instrumental version of Sunday Morning. This is something I really love about Japanese singles, I wish American bands did this more often. Anyway, the picture above is from the standard version, the limited edition (which is the one I bought) features an alternate cover (sorry, no scanner, but you can see it on play-asia.) and comes with a little picture card of Aya with a website to get a ringtone on the back. I haven't quite figured out how to do it, maybe it's available to Japan only. Another thing I really like is how well packaged the CD was, it comes in the standard thin CD case but without the annoying plastic seal that CDs are usually packaged in. Instead, it has a nice plastic resealable sleeve. This was the first song I heard by Aya and it motivated me to seek out more music by her which is great as well. You can view the video here and sample the single over on Jpop n' Kpop, and last, you can buy it here. All in all this is a great single and I hope you will give it a chance.

On another note, I'm supposed to be moving within the next few days and the most I have done is packed two boxes of stuff. As you might have guessed, I am not looking forward to this. Unfortunately, my plan of avoiding reality and hoping it disappears didn't work. Heh.

This says it all.

2008-03-17T19:41:00.000-04:00

Everyone sucks.

2008-03-11T09:30:00.000-04:00

I don't understand people. It seems when it comes to friendships and relationships, they prefer the shitty ones. Most girls say (not saying guys don't do the same thing) they want a good relationship or "the nice guy" and yet when they have it, apparently it's not good enough and they go and fuck it up. I've seen this happen plenty of times, so I've come to the conclusion that people like the idea of a good relationship more than actually having it. Obviously not being treated like shit is too boring! Friends are a whole other world of bullshit...it seems like they only want to hang out with people that take part in stupid shit. Getting drunk and acting like a moron isn't cool. Doesn't anyone remember how to have fun without depending on a drink or some kind of drug? I remember a time when my friends would hang out with me just to hang out and talk or play a video game or some other simple, bullshit free, yet entertaining activity. Oh well, I've tried to talk about how I feel with people, they don't listen. I guess they're not worth it. Too bad someone didn't tell me it would all be a waste a long time ago. And now, I go to work.

First post. Then bed.

2008-03-11T00:14:00.000-04:00

So I used to have one of these a while back, I wrote a few times and then gave up. I wish I didn't close the account though, because it didn't let me have the same URL. It was "Maybe This Is It." I really liked that name. It describes my feelings towards the world. Anyway, I think I complained about life a few times and recommended some music I was listening to. As much as I am not a fan of these blogs, here I am with one of my own. Why? Why would I be such a hypocrite? I happen to like writing and I haven't really done any in a long time. I think this will get me back into practice and maybe at some point I will have something of worth to write.

So, what now? I guess maybe I will go back to venting and talking about music and other stuff I like from time to time. And if no one reads this, at least it's something to do when I'm bored. I kind of wanted to start this back up with something of interest, but I don't really have any good ideas at the moment. Lately there's just so much I want to do but at the same time...I feel like everything is pointless. There's not enough free time because of stupid work, friends pretty much suck and are unreliable, and the ones that are just don't live close enough. Okay, that's enough for now. I go to bed and leave you with a song from J-rock artist Aya Kamiki:Pierrot