Start Again.

I'm not sure if I have anyone who still checks this blog, but I think I am going to revamp it and start posting on a somewhat regular basis again. I'm not really sure how many regular readers I ever had, but hopefully there are still a few left with some interest. If not, oh well, because I'm doing it anyway.

A Year Spent Cold

Well, it's been a while again. Not really sure that anyone notices..then again, I don't get much notice in life in general as it is, so no surprise there. I suppose I haven't written in a while because I don't have much to say. Anything I say will just come off as whiny and as I've said in the past I am pretty tired of doing that (though there is a good chance this entry will turn out that way).

These days I have just been working and dealing with the usual bad luck of my life. I've been suffering even more at work lately because when I spend all day at the bookstore my hands end up hurting like crazy from typing all day, so I'm probably well on the way to a nice case of carpal tunnel. Which will be pretty awesome since I don't have medical insurance and I really need the use of my fucking hands. The best part is I am putting myself through more pain and it's not even worth it.

I don't make enough money to screw up my body for my job. I need my hands for important stuff like guitar and writing. Two things which I have been neglecting due to my misery. I've spent too much time dwelling on how unhappy I am with my current situation and I know it won't get any better unless I do something...but I just feel lost. I don't know what to do, where to go, how to get there, and what to do when I get there. I'm horrible at initiating change.

A lot of it has to do with the fact that most changes I have experienced were bad, so I stick to a routine...because even if I hate it I KNOW it like the back of my hand and there are no surprises. But damn it, that's not even true..because bullshit keeps popping up. Now I need to spend money I don't have to fix my car, I had to help out my family with bills...I'm just being dragged down. I just don't feel like there is anything to look forward to. I'm too alone. I don't really have anyone I can talk to.

I know you can't expect others to make you happy in life...but is it so wrong to ask for someone who wants to be there for me? Who cares where I am, what I'm doing, how I'm doing, etc.? Someone who looks forward to talking to me and wants to be close to me. All I really want is someone I can talk to and hold their hand. Something simple and real. It just seems like everyone except me has something or someone they want to dedicate themselves to.

I know what I'll get for saying that: "stop comparing yourself to others," well I'm not. I'm just thinking "why not me?" I'm getting older and instead of feeling more secure I'm just feeling more lost than I ever have. I want to be able to make music or finish a story and maybe have it published (too bad I can never complete an idea). I want to be able to help my mom be more financially stable.

I am not this misery, I'm a lot more than how I feel about my life. Take the time to notice.

So sick of staring down.

So I don't even want to waste any words on you, but it's sickening to see who you've become. You have no self respect anymore (not that you ever had much to start with..) and I want nothing to do with you. I have no desire to talk or argue, I'm just long over it. You've punished yourself more than anyone ever could and one day when you wake up you'll know just how pathetic that life is.

Anyway, I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but it seems like when I get home from work all I do is waste time. I sit around and think about what to do instead of actually doing anything. I'm tired of people, the way they act, the dumb decisions they make, and how they treat me like I am disposable. I'm worth a lot more than that and I guess if you're someone who can't recognize that you don't deserve to have me around anyway. I say that and yet I am still the one who ends up alone and feeling like shit. Oh well.

Saturday I went over to the Music Square to hang out and briefly took part in an impromptu jam session. It wasn't much and I myself played bass upside down(it was a righty) and badly for only a few minutes. It was still fun though, and it reminded me how much I love hearing music come together...I can't describe the good feeling it gives me. I really need to play more and practice more. I only wish I had reliable people to play with because that would definitely motivate me a lot more.

I'm tired of living a life where I don't do or get anything I want. I mean, what the hell is the point of that? I'm sick of wanting. I need to have more and I deserve to have more.

If it means a lot...

So it seems like it's been ages since I have written anything. I've wanted to, but for all my thoughts I just couldn't find the words to write. Honestly, I'm not sure I have the right words now.

Surprisingly I finally motivated to apply for a new job and I have to admit, I am pretty scared. I'm afraid of change...but I'm afraid of staying the same. I'm very conflicted. I think it's just anxiety and the fear of something new after doing the same thing day in and day out for so long. I hope that if it works out I can muster up the guts to actually go through with it and make a positive change for myself. I really need it. I don't know how much longer I can carry on in the situation I am in.

I feel like life is wasting away and I don't want that to happen. If I have to be here on this Earth I want my stay to at least be somewhat enjoyable. I want to be able to move forward and prove to myself that I am not as worthless as I feel, because deep down I know I am not. I know I am capable of better things, I just need to figure out how to accomplish them.

I really want to work harder on writing and music, but it seems like every time I try I am plagued by mental block. Or I will come up with lyrics I am really proud of and can't seem to produce the melody I want backing them. It's frustrating, because compared to a lot of the garbage that's on the radio, I know my words could get me somewhere. I don't just want to create something for an easy meal ticket, I just want to be able to do something beyond ordinary jobs.

I want my words to have an impact, maybe to help someone through a hard time in their life. I think that would be an incredible thing, because I know how much certain songs mean to me. Sometimes you can relate so well that you feel as though it was written just for you. I'd love for someone to tell me they feel that way about my writing. It's funny, as much as I loathe people as a whole I am such a caring person.

Well, I guess I should stop writing and go to work. Joy. Did I mention I think I am developing carpal tunnel? Yeah, it hurts pretty bad.

Lame.

If you don't believe in bad luck, just try living my life. You'll be a believer in no time.

Over.

A deep sadness wells up inside of me. I reach out for someone, but there's no one there. I'm alone in this. Alone in my thoughts and my feelings. Even if I could explain it there is no one around to care. I search for a meaning, but life doesn't want to give me an answer that makes sense.

Part of me wants to fight...but I'm running out of reasons to keep going. I've spent one too many days staring at the ceiling dreaming, only to never have them come true. This sickness eats away at me like a vulture to a rotting corpse. I'm at the end of my rope. I've even lost the ability to take comfort in the things I used to love.

I feel old and used. There's only one way now...and yet I know that's wrong too. It's all wrong. What's right is a thing of the past. Justice is no more. So I pull the trigger. This is the end.

Pathetic.

So it's about 7:15 and I'm already dressed for bed. What the hell is wrong with me? I don't want to "go out" and do the things that typical young people do, but this is just pathetic. The past two days have been hell at work, nothing but physical labor and what for? It's just not worth it. Part of me likes the exercise, but I'm really sick of being taken advantage of. I guess that's nothing new though.

It's like the peanuts once said "half the people in this world are the kind who take advantage of the other half" or something to that effect. I'll be doing it every Wednesday and Thursday from now on though, so no escaping that unless I find something new. I shouldn't be this bored...this alone. It's just not fair.

There are a few things that I actually want to work on in my free time, but with all the thinking I do, I just end up too distracted and waste all my time thinking about how much I dislike the situation I am in. So basically the only things I do anymore are things I don't want to do in the first place. That's really not much of a life...and there's so much more to me than this feeling.